Add Feedback | Send this Article | Published 4/04/03

Graphic By: Jonelle Thackston

The participants for this year's royale are: Daine Vineyard, Mike Flick, Kevin Martin, Natalia Denda, Andrew "Shaggy" Kinback, Valerie Beelman, Sarah Cecil, Nick Pietron, Doug "The Fresh Prince" McKinney, Jonelle Thackston, Genevieve Limpin, Josh "The Yeti" Nibert, Andrea Swartz, Amanda "Krazy Kat" Hoffer, Nikki Ridgeway, Berkeley Pritchett, Greg Woodruff, Brandon Faust, Zac Martin, and Steve "Tha Dogg" Glassbrenner. Making things interesting was the presence of Nibert and Zac Martin, two members of the "One Couch Nation," who have been running roughshod over Whim for the past six months.

Vineyard and Flick started the Royale. Vineyard was a house of fire on Flick, pummeling him with a series of right hands and knocking him to the ground. Vineyard was preparing to set Flick up for his patented "Vineyards of Daine" power slam when Kevin Martin entered the ring with Fireball in tow. Kevin whacked Vineyard in the head with Fireball, then tossed him over the top rope at the 2:15 mark. He then proceeded to low blow Flick, putting him back on the ground. After some posturing, Kevin set Flick up for the "295" pile driver and tossed him over the top rope at 3:37. Kevin took advantage of the 20 remaining seconds to recuperate. Natalia "Swat Kat" Denda entered the ring at the four minute mark.

Hailed by many as the best cruiserweight in the world, Denda went after Kevin ferociously, nailing him with a series of rapid power-kicks. For the first time since entering the ring, Kevin went down. Denda then pounced on him, clawing at him violently. Without her tag team partner Amanda Hoffer to calm her rage, Denda wore Kevin down quickly. Kevin was finally able to push her off, but was weakened by her attack. The crowd's booing of Denda gave way to massive cheers as Hardcore Champion Andrew "Shaggy" Kinback entered the ring, complete with "Old Gory" -his red, white and blue, barbed-wire encased board. However, Denda speared Kinback as soon as he entered the ring, and eliminated him at 6:24. She then turned her attention back towards Kevin.

The two combated back and forth, with no relief until Valerie Beelman slid between the ropes at the eight minute mark. Beelman suplexed Denda, and tossed her over the top rope at 8:32. She then threw Kevin into a corner, where she proceeded to rope-a-dope him. Turning to gesture to the crowd, she was greeted with a chorus of jeers. Sarah Cecil entered the ring at the 10 minute mark and assaulted Beelman from behind while Kevin took advantage of the break to recover.

Beelman and Cecil went at it like rabid badgers, a dream of a world- title shot in their heads. At one point, Beelman was preparing to set Cecil up for her patented "Beel of Goods" fall-away slam, but was interrupted when Nick Pietron entered the ring at the 12 minute mark. Pietron speared Beelman, putting her on her back. He then turned his attention to Cecil, working her over with a series of knife-edged chops. Kevin, fully recovered, leaped back into the fray, nailing Pietron from behind with Fireball. He then attacked Cecil, and the two went at it until Doug "The Fresh Prince" McKinney entered the ring at the 14 minute mark. The five combatants went at it, with no one gaining the upper hand until Beelman tossed Cecil over the top rope at 15:45. Jonelle Thackston entered the ring at 16:00.

Hell-bent on revenge against Pietron for humiliating her at last month's Whimmagedon pay-per-view, Thackston went for him first while the other three grapplers continued their donnybrook. Thackston managed to beat Pietron down, and eliminated him at the 17:09 mark. She then turned her attention towards Beelman, who had been weakened by Kevin and McKinney's combined assault. Genevieve Limpin entered the ring at the 18 minute mark.

The royale continued without any significant gains from the participants up until the 20 minute mark, when Josh "The Yeti" Nibert strolled downed to the ring. He stalked around it, eyeing each one of the combatants, almost as if he was sizing them up. Finally entering the ring at 21 minutes, Yeti went straight for Genevieve, applying his patented "Himalayan Landslide" to her, and tossing her over the top rope at 21:40. Andrea Swartz entered the ring next, but was greeted with a choke slam from the Yeti, who eliminated her at 22:30. Yeti then turned his attention towards Kevin, a sworn enemy of The One Couch Nation.

Yeti's vicious assault was broken by Amanda "Krazy Kat" Hoffer, who entered the ring at 24 minutes. Yeti was quick to fight her off, and then turned his attention towards "The Fresh Prince," who he landslided and then tossed him over the top rope and into the Spanish announcers' table at 24:30. Hoffer turned her attention towards Thackston, and managed to eliminate her at the 24:56 mark. In the meantime, Yeti locked Kevin into the "World Famous Sleeper Hold." Powerless to fight it off, Kevin passed out and was eliminated at the 25:30 mark. Hoffer charged Yeti, knocking him to the ground with a running lariat. She then proceeded to do a Lou Thesz press on him, which was broken when Nikki Ridgeway entered the ring at the 26 minute mark. Showing good strategy, Ridgeway and Hoffer doubled up on the Yeti, trying in vain to wear him down. Berkley Pritchett entered the fray at 28 minutes, and proceeded to join the melee.

However, it was for nothing as Yeti roared back to life and choke slammed Ridgeway and eliminated her at the 28:23 mark. Pritchett and Hoffer renewed their assault on the Yeti, but both were choke-slammed simultaneously for their troubles. Just as he was about to toss them over the top rope, Greg Woodruff entered the ring at the 30 minute mark and attacked him from behind. While Yeti turned his attention towards Woodruff, Hoffer sneak attacked Pritchett, and eliminated him at the 30:45 mark. Beelman, who had been resting in the corner, pounced on Woodruff. Meanwhile, Hoffer once again turned her attention towards Yeti, attacking him from the rear and working him over with a series of rapid-fire kicks while Brandon Faust entered the ring at the 32 minute mark.

Faust, another sworn enemy of the OCN, immediately made tracks for Yeti, joining Hoffer in administering a beat-down. Yeti was quick to fight them off. Meanwhile, Beelman managed to eliminate Woodruff at the 32:12 mark. The match continued, with the trio attacking Yeti. At the 34 minute mark, just as they were beating him down, his OCN mate Zac Martin entered the ring, who immediately went after Faust. The match continued with no one gaining the advantage, until Steve "Tha Dogg" Glassbrenner entered the ring at the 34 minute mark. Another sworn enemy of the OCN, Dogg charged Zac, and the match degenerated into an old-fashioned pier six brawl.

Yeti and Zac functioned as a cohesive unit, focusing their attack on the other participants. However, Beelman, Dogg and Hoffer managed to hold their ground against the two, and even managed to eliminate the Yeti at the 42:23 mark. Zac, in a panic over the loss of his powerful teammate, renewed his vicious assault on Faust, but was interrupted by Dogg. Unfortunately, Dogg ran right into Zac's "Drumroll DDT" and he was eliminated at the 44 minute mark.

Fellow OCN members Sarah Hoyle and Katie Tandler strolled down to the ring, and took a position at ringside. Each eyed the events unfolding in the ring intensely. Meanwhile, Zac "Drumrolled" Hoffer, and eliminated her at the 46:56 mark. While Zac had been focusing his attack on Hoffer, Faust worked Beelman over, and tossed her over the top rope at the 47:41 mark and sent her running to the back like a scalded dog. Now only Zac and Faust, sworn enemies, remained. And just as sworn enemies do, the two went after each other ferociously.

All eyes turned towards the runway as a hulking brute of a man arrogantly strutted to ringside, and entered the ring. "Get him, Thomas," yelled Tandler and Hoyle. The man known as "Thomas" charged Faust, knocking him over. He then picked Faust up, belly-to-back suplexed him, and then handed him over to Zac, who tossed Faust over the top rope at the 50 minute mark and was declared winner of The Whim Battle Royale. Hoyle, Tandler and Yeti joined their leader in the ring, while Commissioner Cordiano presented Zac with his medal. What happened next shocked the Whim world.

Yeti and Thomas sneak attacked Zac from behind, while Tandler whacked Zac with the Bitch Be Cool Stick, which he had entrusted to her care. Yeti, Thomas and Tandler continued their assault while Hoyle looked on and laughed. Just then, the lights went out, and when they came back on, Grant "Blitzkrieg" Simmons was standing in the ring, laughing maniacally. Yeti charged at him, but was kicked in the stomach and given a DDT for his troubles. The hulking man-brute known as Thomas was next, as Simmons kicked him and promptly administered a DDT. Tandler charged him, but was knocked down. Picking up the Stick, Simmons proceeded to wallop everyone in the ring, including Cordiano. After he was done administering the beating, he climbed to the top rope and proclaimed:

BITCH! BE COOL!

Winner of The Whim Battle Royale: Zac Martin