God to Play for the Baltimore Orioles

Add Feedback | Send this Article | Published 3/28/03

Graphic By: Matt Witherow

For the past few years the Baltimore Orioles have possibly had the worst team in Major League Baseball. On Monday, the Orioles' General Manager and Owner announced that God Himself has picked up the bat and put on the Orioles' orange and black in a player acquisition that has not only rocked the world of baseball, but also the foundations of all known religions.

"We have been cursed with the worst batting average in the American League, says Orioles Manager Mike Hargrove. Now we have the Big Enchilada and he will be cracking skulls no doubt, in a biblical sense of course."

God is certainly a powerhouse to contend with. The Almighty has a constant and perfect batting average of 400, has no errors in the field, and tends to make miracles happen. Sports historian Vincent Fisher says this is not the first time God has come down from His heavenly palace to play some sandlot..

"The last time God was on the diamond was back in 1932, says Fisher. He was present and playing when Babe Ruth called his shot and boy, was a legend made that day!"

Not everyone is happy with God's decision though, especially rival teams.

"Jesus Christ, we're in the soup now," says Derek Jeter from the New York Yankees ball club. We've kicked their ass so many times, I guess we can't write them off now as an easy win. **** now I wish I attended church more often."

Eric Owens from the World Champion Anaheim Angels is still shocked and disappointed.

"Hasn't God ever seen the movie "Angels in the Outfield"? Where's the love? Crap, I guess our winning the World Series really was a fluke now," says Owens.

The City of Baltimore is ecstatic with the arrival of the Lord. Churches around the city are reporting their congregations have nearly tripled in membership and that orange foam WE ARE #1 WITH THE LORD fingers have begun to pop up in the crowds. The Oriole Bird mascot has been booked by churches throughout the city to be the lead in prayers. Move over, white dove.

WHIM made a call to the Vatican for a comment from the Pope. He had this to say: