Just because it is Valentine's Day you don't think you will avoid the ever famous Horror Movie review here on Ritz, do you? Of course not! Everyday is blood-and-guts day and we celebrate the day of red with a bloody movie. What better movie than "Valentine" to review for the Valentine"s Day edition of Whim?
"Valentine," (2001) starring Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, and Marley Shelton begins at the middle school Valentine's Day dance in the characters' youth. Young Jeremy Melton, complete with buck-teeth and thick glasses, goes around the dance floor, where he is shot down by every girl he asks for a dance and even blamed for sexually attacking one. By the end of the dance, he is stripped naked and beaten senseless by jock bullies. Thirteen years later, our young middle school cast has traded braces and acne medicine for gigantic boobs and "Miss Priss" attitudes. As the friends begin to prepare for a giant Valentine's Day party and find dates (or fix old decaying relationships), they are systematically taken out in traditional movie slasher fashion up until the climax where supposedly all is revealed.
The movie is based on Tom Savage's novel, and in the director's chair for this little love story is Jamie Blanks, director of another teen horror flick, "Urban Legend," which had varying results depending on who you talk to. "Valentine" is a film that continued using, at the time, the new and clich¼ line of new age teen horror movies that was started by the "Scream" films. All actors are big-boobed and perfect-skinned and are torn apart by a masked killer, who you keeps you guessing his/her identity until the end of the movie. This formula also injects a "token boob shot" and a bit of wholesome family comedy to totally destroy the overall horror effect of the film.
"Valentine" does nothing but introduce another pathetic masked killer to the pile. "The Cupid" is a complete Michael Myers rip-off from the "Halloween" series and has a lot of the same movements and actions. The kill scenes are nothing to scream about; the gore level is near zilch, and the acting only hits par. The majority of this cast comes from shows on the WB, and judging by how quickly those shows are built and puked out, the cheese and pointlessness is brought with them to this film. The ending of the film is interesting, but seems almost a cop-out and leaves you questioning and praying to God there is no sequel.
The only positives to "Valentine" are a decent performance given by Jessica Capshaw as Dorothy, and the fact that you really do keep guessing who the killer is. Other than that, this film is dribble. You can tell they were giving every chance to Denise Richards to flash the audience with what God gave her, but she fails to deliver the "token boob shot." Also, the band Orgy has a song on the soundtrack called "Opticon" that is an interesting listen.
"Valentine" is as far from a romantic movie as you can get, and at times it is far from being a horror movie, too. The sex toy contraptionyour girlfriend or boyfriend might surprise you with on V-Day is scarier. If you are a genre fan like me, you will problably urinate all over this movie, but if you are like watching that garbage on WB or are a sorority gal with an attitude problem you might like this for its "stars" and babe-watching. Do yourself a favor and pay more attention to loved ones this Valentine's Day and not this movie.
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