View Feedback | Send this Article | Published 2/14/03

Graphic By: Andrew Kinback

LET HIM SLEEP IN: Youäd be surprised how happy this makes a gorilla. Gorillas love to sleep in. Gorillas hate it when they are woken abruptly by whines of ÜPlease drive me to class,¯ or the noise of you typing away on the computer. To start your gorilla out on a good foot on V-Day, let him sleep in. He might sleep until 11 p.m. or noon, but the longer he does sleep, the better for you. Why? Because he will be pumped full of energy all day and will be staying up late, and boy, will he need it when you get done with him!

VIDEO GAME SURPRISE: Women have it all wrong; they think all gorillas want are boobs, ass and beaver. That is not all they want. Gorillas want boobs, ass, beaver and Playstation 2! Although this is a bit pricey for a lot of gals, getting a guy a video game of whatever game platform will greatly increase his response to you on V-Day. Once he wakes up, run into his room and jump on his bed with this gift. Make sure you wrap it, because it adds to the surprise. Also, include a romantic card with it and inside write little hints of what you desire. Gorillas love cards from girls. One other extreme advantage of this gift is if he didnät get you anything for V-Day, mark my words, he will be feeling guilty all day and will be more open to what you want to do to make up for his fumbling.

DINNER DINERO: When going out to dinner on V-Day gorillas are going to be dreading the bill. To keep from spoiling his mood, make sure you pick a nice place to dine but not something extravagant and expensive. Avoid sports bars so you can keep his attention on you and not Michael Jordan. Wear a sleek, thin evening gown to dinner no matter where you go. Make his eyes pop. Look like you belong at that extravagant restaurant down the road and not Macados. This will make him bulge before dessert and think about saving a little more cash next year so he can take you somewhere more special.

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ROMANTIC MOVIE BLAH: Gorillas are all for action movies, horror movies and comedies. They donät want to see some sappy crappy romance movie. They want some action. They want some heat. So give it to him. Try to take your gorilla to a movie you will mutually enjoy, that way you see a movie you want to see and he doesnät have to see something he doesnät. You also avoid any arguments or negative attitudes. If you rent a movie from a video store, make sure youäre the one going to the store to get it. This is a nifty trick; trust me and hear me out. Go to the video store and pick out a romance movie you want to see, then go to the porn rack and pick out a male on female porno. On your way home, take the romance movie out of the box and exchange it with the porno. When itäs time to sit down and watch a video, say you are going to put in this mushy romance movie. The gorilla in your house will most likely moan and complain, but be firm with him, keep him seated, and put in the movie. When the porn finally comes on he will be shocked and will then look to you. Immediately, before he says a word, jump on him and ravage his big hairy gorilla body right there. After some tantalizing sex, ask him if he wants to watch the mushy romance movie with you. Chances are the big lug will say, ÜSure, but after the second round!¯

Of course, there is always the after dinner/movie extracurricular activity. Light a few candles for your gorilla, wear as little as possible, and turn that ape into a man. This list might seem stupid, but itäs simple and, like I have said in other editions of the Bed Post, guys are simple. They donät want the three clasp bras; they want one clasp. They donät want lace and straps; they want panties and t-shirt. This Valentineäs Day, turn it into a Ümale and female¯ way of doing things. I promise you everyone will become a winner. Happy Valentineäs Day from Whim and The Bed Post. For those of you who donät like Valentineäs Day: EVERYONE MUST DIE!!! Just kidding.