I warn you now for two reasons: 1.) This is a rant. 2.) I am that dirty motherlover they call Shaggy. Most of the time when I get all hyped up and in “rantmode” people who are exposed to me a hit the deck. I destroy and maim anyone who gets in my way. Once the storm passes and the skies are blue, I am cool. But until then, your ass is mine if you get in my way. But fortunately today’s rant isn’t about an overrated football team (VT *cough* Chokies!) or any single person. It is about a large number of people all put into one small space: A movie theater.

I admit it. I work at a movie theater in Christiansburg. It won’t be hard to guess which one but due to legal crap and politics, I am not going to name this “most prestigious and regal” cinema of cinemas. I hate it there. It is a crap job. I get paid poorly for bad hours and putting up with some mind- numbing employees and managers. However, that comes with any job you get. So my beef is not with them. My beef is with the customers. It seems that once a person passes through our doors the intelligence levels seem to disappear and the equivalent of Goober from the Andy Griffith Show appears. Customers at a theater do the most insanely stupid things and as an employee it drives me mad to the point I want to puke in your popcorn. But I get ahead of myself. Let’s take this step by step. I am going to walk you through the theater experience as it should be so that you, the consumer (cattle), can easily get into your theater and I, the employee (sucker), can have an easier day.

First off, purchasing your tickets. When waiting in line, get your money or credit card ready. A box office employee or “box person” hates nothing more than someone who is fumbling in their purse or wallet for some dough with 60 people waiting in line behind you. If you are going to pay for the ridiculous overpriced ticket, then you might as well be ready. Second, if someone comes out and announces that the movie is sold out, then it is sold out! Don’t continue to wait in a line of 60 or more people, get right up to the box person, and then ask for tickets for the movie that sold out. What the hell is wrong with you people? And the number one box person “piss me off” is if you are underage, don’t try it. We have dealt with your kind time after time again and we know all the tricks. We will catch you and we will let you see Rated R. Yeah, rated R for “retarded.”

Once you have your tickets, you will move to the concession stand for refreshments. Popcorn is the staple of any theater diet. Here is where people really start losing their minds and driving the employees crazy. While standing in line, decide what you want. Don’t wait till you get up there and give the patented “Duh, I don’t know what I want.” It wastes our time and yours. The number one personal pet peeve of mine is when someone comes up to me and says, “I would like to have a Coke and popcorn.” Now what the hell does that tell me? What size, you moron?! And another thing, theaters don’t usually put butter on the popcorn now due to health concerns. We leave that to you. If you don’t tell us, we don’t put it on. So don’t have us complete your order and then as we are about to help the next person in line you come and say, “Can I have extra layered butter on this large popcorn?” There is a word I use for you when you do this but Whim does not permit me to use it in my articles. Here is an interesting fact: The theater itself gets only 10 cents of each ticket sold. The rest of the money goes to the distributor. So the theater cannot survive off just ticket prices. That is why concession items are so expensive. The theater makes it’s money there. So all you suckers buy overpriced Milk Duds for almost $3.00. $3.00! And you could get the value pack at Walmart for 97 cents. The theater does not allow outside food or drink in the theater though. Why? Because you animals tend to spill everything and anything! We don’t want to clean up your Taco Bell puke! Spill popcorn or one of our drinks, fine, but we hate cleaning up after another organization. The door person (ticket taker) looks for outside items. Admittedly some of the people on door are blind as a bat and you can occasionally sneak something in but if we catch you we don’t care if you just bought that $15 steak at Outback, it’s going in the trash!

The next theater person you all will run into is the door person. He or she tears your tickets, gives back the stub, and lets you in. Perhaps the easiest job of the whole theater with limited customer-piss-me-offs. But the door does have a few. First off, on the ticket itself it says what auditorium you are going to. Don’t ask the door person if you can read. It is in big bold numbers on the ticket. We always poke fun at these people who ask when they leave. Unknown to you, you are the butts of a good many jokes. Unless you are a Florida voter. Then we understand. The auditorium numbers are also over the doors in a bright, lit up sign that screams, “Hey! I am theater number 3!” But do you people notice? Hell no! You constantly bother the door person and ask which theater is number 3. Open your eyes. The final annoyance to a door person is customers who leave the theater to go to the bathroom. They then come up to the door person and say, “Do I need to show you my stub to get back in?” Are you kidding me? Have you ever been to a theater in your life? Of course you need your stub to get back in, you ditz! No, we are going to make you go back and spend another $15 on tickets and food. Wise up people! And don’t forget your stub at your seat or you won’t be let back in!

The final slave of the theater trade is the usher. The usher or ushers clean theaters and fix the temperature of the theaters. They have the least contact with customers. But they do have to put up with a lot from the customers, mainly their garbage. Do I come to your house and then chow down on unhealthy, overpriced snacks and then dump them all over your floor? When I dump a liter of cola on your rug, do you think it is funny? I am sorry but theater goers are complete pigs. You people act like you have never eaten at a table. I would hate to see what your houses look like if you treat them like you treat a theater. Theaters after a big show are a disaster area. Customers dump so much garbage and popcorn all over the place it is ridiculous. That bunch of babies needs bibs is what I say. It takes a couple ushers to clean a big theater and boy, does the wait for the theater to be cleaned ever increase with the amount of crap left on the floor. My personal favorite is when kids and adults dump a soda on the floor. It just doesn’t stay in a puddle. The theater is slanted so it runs down toward the screen until it hits the dip of seats some four or five rows in the front. Then a sea of soda, spit, semen, and God knows what else forms. The mop-up is horrible. No, no more. That’s it. You are a pig.

Okay, there are the managers of the theater. This is part of the theater trade too but lowly peon employees like myself usually don’t give a crap if customers piss them off. It is their job to handle all your pathetic ramblings and wants. Plus a lot of times they piss off the employees and treat them like dirt. They deserve what they got hired for.

So the storm is passing and what have we learned today? That the general theater public are a bunch of selfish, mindless, zombie cattle and the theater workers are sick of taking their crap. I know this all sounds horrible and it is. I got your attention, didn’t I? So here is what I am asking. When you come to the theater be a little kinder to the employees who earn just $6 an hour to serve you. Clean up after yourself, and use some common sense. If that happens, your time at the movies will be much more enjoyable and you will make quite a few theater workers happy too.

Okay, I am off the theater soap box. Next subject...