This article is a parody and is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions of the author are his alone and do not necessarily represent the views of Whim or Radford University.

Have you noticed that burning sensation in your head and the sudden urge to taste blood that you get shortly after you eat at Dalton? No? Okay, maybe that's just me.

How about this one: Where have all the squirrels gone?

Yes, like Argentina's "dirty war" in the '70s and '80s, RU's squirrel population went from abundant in the 2001-2002 school year, to virtually nil this year. And it's time the Man faced up to his crimes.

Remember that squirrel that came closer to you than most? Remember how he had most of his tail missing? I wonder if those two facts were connected. Anyway, my friends and I named him Nubby since his tail was a nub. No one has seen hide nor lack-of-tail of Nubby this year.

Did the construction scare him and his furry little friends off? No. Was it the cancerous fumes from the foundry that offed them? No. Was it somehow related to the war on terrorism? No. Did the squirrels piss off the local mafia boss, Jim Bob "Two Tooth" Marzerelli? Nope. I thought I had run out of answers.

I sat thinking hard about it in Dalton, I was enjoying one of those pancake- like cheeseburgers they now serve daily as I pondered the matter. "Oh where could the squirrels have gone?" I asked myself as I took another bite of the burger, the juice running down my neck.

That's when it hit me--the napkins! Okay, I was wrong there, but after a few more bites, it really hit me--squirrels last year, no Dalton cheeseburgers last year, no squirrels this year, Dalton cheeseburgers in seemly inexhaustible supply.

It was then I noticed that my cheeseburger had a fluffy tail, and let me tell you, it was tasty as hell.

What kind of maniacs could have conceived this diabolical deed? My guess would be the people who run Dalton. I mean, let's face it, RU needs money, beef is expensive, even the grade- K beef they use at Mean Gene's, but squirrels are free.

So the next time you eat a Dalton burger, look carefully, I'm still clinging to the hope that Nubby is alive, he was last seen--no joke--between Pocahontas and Dalton last spring. We miss you, Nubby, please come home.

The squirrels may be burgers, but always remember, soilent green is people!