In case you didn't notice the media hype or the sudden amount of bite-size candy readily available at any store you go to (including jewelry stores), Halloween is here again. And Halloween brings little kids. Do you remember when you were a little kid at Halloween? Of course you do; Halloween was the second greatest holiday in the world, behind only Christmas.

You got to dress up in cool costumes and get candy for free. Hell, there was a couple in my development that gave out pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream to everyone, no joke. It was like winning a shiny new bike and finding out it was actually a BMW.

But what about those weird people, you know, the ones who gave out things other than candy? What's up with those people? These sadistic fools try to put some nutrition in a holiday of cavities.

Did you ever get granola bars as a kid? I got a few in my day. Man, I hated them. This was before granola bars had cool things like M&Ms in them. The granola bars we got were 100 percent pure granola, and we didn't really even know what that was back then. All we knew was that it wasn't sugar, so who cared what it tasted like?

Raisins. Raisins were worse. Oh great, I'm so glad I got raisins over Starburst, because I'm nine and I pay attention to the amount of fiber in my diet. I don't want to get all fat and ugly. Yeah, right! Gimme sugar!

Then there were those people who gave out apples. Oh how I loathed those people. Did they really think that kids would eat those apples? In my early trick-or-treating days, I'd just accept it then let it rot in my room as I ate the "edible" booty I had acquired on that most glorious of holidays. However, in my later years, I had had enough of those whackos trying to ruin my holiday. I figured out they were trying to throw some healthy food into my holiday of sugar, so after they'd close the door, I'd throw their stupid apples right back at them. Of course I'd run; this was when a flexible costume came in handy. Hopefully, I sent them a message, and fought back for all that was right in the world of Halloween.

When I'm old enough and mature enough and stupid enough to move into a house in the area of kids, I swear I will never dash their hopes with "treats" of peaches, apples, granola bars, or any other form of non-candy donation to some kid's digestive system. Those kinds of people make a spooky holiday a truly evil, living nightmare for all those who have yet to find something wrong with eating candy until your snot turns the colors of the Skittles you ate.