Okay, let’s talk. I have been reading this online rag for four years and for one and a half years I have written for it. This is a historical document you read today for it is my first time writing a Vent article and boy, has it been a long time coming. I attach a disclaimer to this because I am known as the “Mouth From The South” amongst certain circles and it is applied appropriately. So let’s get started. Today’s subject on the chopping block: Virginia Tech.

Everyone knows the Hokies, or whom I like to call the “Chokies.” Big brother campus to RU. A massive school with a football team. The ole burgundy and orange. Turkey, turkey, turkey. Oh yeah, many of us in Southern Virginia are proud of VT let me tell ya. But why? Why all this hero worship by other Universities and students? Why does RU administration like to use the big neighborhood stupid kid as a model of how they want to run their University? There are so many problems with VT that it should be put in a wheelchair and be given a drool rag. Let’s examine it, shall we?

First off, the VT campus is atrocious. It is so freaking big that you need a map to find out where the hell you are going. You could basically fit all of RU's campus into its drill field. If you enter VT as a freshman weighing 350 pounds I guarantee after spending a week there walking to classes you will cut your size down to 98 pounds, by God. Second, the buildings are old, dark, and ugly looking. Made of “Hokie Stone” as they call it, their academic buildings and dorms look like something out of the dark ages and like anything that survived the dark ages, the buildings look like they are crumbling. The dorm rooms are the size of half a janitor’s closet and the community bathrooms will give you enough diseases to make anyone a porn star just by sitting on the toilet. Just go take a look at Prichard Hall. Holy crap- I spent one night there and I nearly puked. In the community bathroom I found everything from private hair in places you wouldn’t believe and a pair of tighty whities filled with human excretement.

Speaking of diseases, let’s now talk about sterotypes. RU is infamous for them. No, the 7-11 across the street does not have the most beer in the world. No, we are not the out of control party school you think we are. Yes, there too many Greek morons running around campus, and finally no, we don’t have the most STDs among the Virginia college campuses. How do I know that? Well consider this: RU leaves the medical files open for all to see. So anyone can come and look at the statistics of this school and write about how big a germ farm we are. However, schools like JMU, UVA, and, you guessed it, VT have their records closed. Can you imagine opening up a big school like VT’s medical file and considering the population of VT…woooo weee! That’s a lot of crabs! I avoid the seafood buffet all that I can!

Of course the biggest crowning piece of stool that VT is famous for is their football team. Talk about overrated. This team is going to be annihilated at the end of the season. Right now they play the most rejected teams: Arkansas State, Rutgers, and Marshall. Oh yeah, right, the Chokies beat LSU who were ranked higher than them. Yeah, two places higher! Big achievement. Their schedule is like a senior in college kicking the ass of a first grader. Congrats guys, you really are showing the world what balls you have picking on poor old Rutgers and the likes. Recently they beat number 17 Texas A&M. Bang up job! When are they going to play someone good? I mean it’s going to take more than 13 points to beat someone like Miami or Florida. But Chokie fans are delusional as usual. Fate will get them though. Once the end of the season nears and the Chokies start playing real college football teams, you’ll be seeing the VT flags disappearing, the shirts will be going back in the closet to collect dust, and fans will be whining about what the hell happened.

I could go on and on with this from their retarded mascot to the timid and arrogant nutballs that go there but I believe this gives you a taste. Really VT is a school that is no better than RU. “RU doesn’t have a football team,” whines some girl in The Tartan and a multitude of others. I say who cares? A football team brings parking problems, security problems, and a whole new breed of jerk to this campus that we can live without. That is why we have Greeks.

The worst VT fan possible is the one that goes to RU. They worship the school they either were too stupid to get into or just didn’t have enough room for them. A lot of these types don’t even like the school- they worship the fact that they have a football team. They couldn’t get into VT so they jump on the next thing nearest to the bandwagon: RU. My personal favorite Chokie fan type is the one who has a VT and RU bumpersticker on the car Daddy bought for them. You know this type goes to RU and not VT. Why? If you went to VT why would you put a “lowly RU sticker” next to the all high and mighty VT letters? Sorry suckers, you’ve been caught.

RU has decent sized classes, a clean campus that you can walk through in a few minutes aside from a day’s journey, and generally a nice community feel to it. VT just tends to feel like an overcrowded city where you can be hit by a car walking to your French class. RU administration and students should wisen up and appreciate what we do have. We have a wonderful university with equal or more opportunities that a campus the size of VT has. Besides, the mascot is cooler anyway. A Highlander. I think the Highlander should go over there and decapitate that big goofy red turkey and we can bring its carcass back here and have a turkey roast in Muse Quad.