3/29/02

I have a cure-all solution for the state’s problems. When visiting the Governor’s website a few days ago and seeing a long list of objectives, I realized that we should import some people to give us a hand with many of the issues confronting the Commonwealth today. No one could do a better job of dealing with the fiscal crisis and other dilemmas than Santa Claus and his elves.

First off, Gov. Warner should invite the Jolly Old Elf and his boys down for some egg nog and a roundtable discussion of what needs to be done. There should be some state maintenance employees paid overtime to clean up after the reindeer. After the pleasantries and hours upon long hours of deliberation, Marky Mark and the extreme Yankees will have some great solutions for the following issues:

Job opportunities with employers: Hey man, a job means honest money for many folks. I bet one could make a good $15/hour nailing wooden wheels to toy trains. The uniform would be a pain, however, as green felt and those pointy shoes are hard to come by.

Assistance from private and non-profit organizations: As if you didn’t already know that the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and the Great Pumpkin didn’t look after Santa’s fledgling elves, too! In the Kris Kringle Election primaries, the Easter Bunny donated a lot of huevos to Claus’ campaign.

Assistance from church and mission-oriented organizations: The only thing certain about this decision will be that Rev. Jerry Falwell will be run out of town on a rail…covered with creosote and feathers.

Dislocated worker services: That sled is one fast mudda. I’m positive Santa’s got OnStar and he probably has LoJack for his eight tiny reindeer.

Monthly cash assistance payments: These will most surely be reliable as working for Santa will be like Christmas 24/7/365. But be sure the person at payroll services isn’t some prude who thinks cookies will do just as well as hard dough.

Assistance with emergency medical bills: You should see what else Santa can do when he taps the side of his nose. My sciatica hasn’t acted up since!

Childcare assistance: Who better to watch the kids than Mrs. Claus?

Community college workforce training programs: Just like Warner said in his speech here a year ago, people shouldn’t be poo-pooed for not wanting to go to a four-year university. PHCC, NRVCC and VWCC would be more than happy to teach everyone the fine art of toy-making.

I firmly believe that once these plans are implemented, it’ll be like Herbert Hoover was President once again.