Jeff Davis | Vent Section Manager

3/29/02

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’ve grown up around cars. Throaty rumbles, greasy fingers and the smell of high octane gasoline flow as true as my own blood. While there have been numerous automobile references in my articles I haven’t named any of my favorites yet. Let me describe them for you.

Dodge Aries K: With its sexy bodywork that creates a chewed-up-and-vomited Honda Civic look, you can be sure all the wise, floral pantsuit wearing, S-frame glasses, blue-haired grannies are hot-rodding these behemoths outside the VFW with thermoses of Metamucil for the incredible g-forces. I am pretty sure this is the only vehicle that can double as a laxative. Comes with a map light.

Chevy/Geo Metro (any year): You can spot discriminating automotive shoppers when you see them driving around in one of these squashy little guys. This little ball of fire, previously manufactured by the now defunct Geo and now by Chevrolet, sports a mighty 3-cylinder engine that can produce up to 55 horsepower at high revs. Watch out, Ferrari. The car has also been noted for its transmission that’s been compared to moving a stick through a paper bag filled with gravel.

Sterling 825 (any year): All the great car authorities in the world have heralded the Sterling 825 as the poverty-stricken--I mean poor man’s Jaguar. Trying as best as it can to mimick the equally great Audi 4000S, this little Cockney screamer can be found in almost any used car lot, right among the two Coupe De Villes with gold plastic hubs and chain-style license plate frames, the diesel Mercedes with no engine, and the pristine Olds Cutlass Ciera.

Audi 4000/5000: If you ever wonder why Audis depreciate so much, here’s your everlasting answer! Powered by the ingenious 2.3 liter, 5-cylinder engine, the brainchild of Janet Reno, Al Gore and Mr. T, this (seriously) luxurious car can get to 60 in a flash, but will be more than happy to short circuit whenever you ask it to. My dad had one and let me tell you it was the greatest day of his life when it started up when the keys were in his hands! Another great feature is how the advanced three- speed automatic lets the engine show how it can do 3500 rpm at 65 miles an hour. This succulent knockwurst comes with a lightning rod, a suicide pill and 437 copies of the warranty.

Volvo 240 wagon (any year), Yugo GL, Chevy Vega, Plymouth Horizon, Mercury Tracer: I have to list these cars simply for all the sex their drivers get because of them. Standard vinyl interior lures in great catches.

Volkswagen Eurovan (late model): With a stout 109-hp inline-5 under the hood, this Vanagon replacement can get to 60 in a mind-boggling 19 seconds. That’s a whole lot of time. My car takes six seconds to do the very same thing. And I thought my car was special. Comes with quadraphonic sound, a water bed and a strobe light.*

A clean Humvee: Benefiting strongly from the road manners of an Eastern Mud snake on ephedrine with a knife in its back, this asphalt tackler gets to 60 in 22 seconds and has a top speed of 71 miles an hour. You can find them where they’re needed most: Northern Virginia and the parking lot of the Citgo on the corner of Tyler and Main. It’s well-equipped, with listings of every interstate rest area and five-star restaurant in the country printed on the inside of the glove box door in two-point font. Also comes with a monacle and a pith helmet for those days at the mall and the occasional Wal-Mart run.

Ford Excursion: Buy this SUV and your penis will grow three full sizes. If you’re a woman, you will be even more of an individual, just like everyone else. It’s great for the environment and right-wings everywhere, achieving a staggering seven miles to the gallon. This extremely practical vehicle comes with a “Save the Bay” sticker for the rear bumper and the appropriate pheromones for your cologne or perfume.

Lexus LS430: Simply, a $52,000 Toyota Avalon. People who bought this car also own a few Bentleys, a Hispano-Suiza, a handful of Duesenbergs, a Mercedes Gaelendewagen, all of which sit in a storage facility and will never see the light of day, consume moderate to large amounts of caviar and Evian, believe Nixon was not a crook, feel sorry for Enron, and invest in items like diamond-encrusted diamond rings. One might find entry forms for a Sharpei into a dog show lying on the back seat.

And now, for my number one favorite:
Honda Civic Si Type R Twin Turbo GT-R NO2 Wolfsburg Parnelli Pirelli Gordon Earnhardt Sullivan Tony Hawk Edition Coca-Cola MasterCard Goodyear Adobe Photoshop Version 6.0 Version 2.0: This extremely special car was featured in nine out of 10 scenes from “The Fast and the Furious,” and can be had with numerous standard logos and also comes with your choice of being “sponsored” by StealMe® Theft Protection or Wishful Thinking® condoms.

*A "Simpsons" reference.