Whim Battle Royale

Shaun Corley | Staff Writer

3/29/02

As in years past, the Dedmon Center played host to the Annual Whim Battle Royale. Co-commissioner Rachel Thomason ordered the Royale to be no-DQ, come as you are, as it was last year.  Yet Priya Bankley, the other co-commissioner, overruled her, and ordered the Royale to return to it's normal structure.  Thomason, furious over Bankley's decision, sneak attacked her backstage on Whim Is War two weeks ago, and a match between the two was scheduled for Whimamania 6.

On last week's installment of Whim Is War, Bankley announced the combatants, and the order in which they would enter.  They are as follows: Zac "Drummer Boy" Martin, Kevin "Insomnimaniac" Martin, Beverly "Bev" Burroughs, "Rowdy" Nikki Ridgeway, Stephanie "Special" K., "Slam Poet" Jeff Davis, "Diamond" Dave Betancourt, Amanda "Krazy Kat" Hoffer, the mysterious and enigmatic "Shaggy," Daine "The Vineyard Dog," Shaun "The Hulk" Corley, "Evil Bunny" Katie Tandler, Steve "Tha Dogg" Glassbrenner, "Photoshoot" Aaron Talbott, "Jagermeister" Jenn Peterson, Amanda "Entropy" Poore, Nick "the Nightflier" Obloy and Brandon Faust. Making things even more interesting was the presence of Kevin Martin, Faust, Hoffer, Tandler and Vineyard, who collectively refer to themselves as the New Whim Order, and have been wrecking havoc on Whim for the past six months.

The two Martins wasted no time on each other. Zac, not forgetting the beating Kevin gave him a month ago on Whimdown! was a house of fire on "The Insomnimaniac." The two fought back and forth, with neither gaining the upper hand.  "Bev" Burroughs entered the ring at the three-minute mark, and Zac focused his attack on the newest entry, working her over with a series of cat-like maneuvers. Just as he was preparing to toss her over the rope, Kevin attacked him from behind. "Rowdy" Ridgeway entered the ring at the four-minute mark.

Ridgeway, angered over her exclusion from last year's Royale, unleashed a furious assault upon Kevin, and at one point nailing him with her patented "DL" low blow.  As Kevin writhed in pain on the mat, she turned her attention towards Zac. Yet, as most Whim superstars do, she walked right into his "Drumroll" DDT.  Zac tossed Nikki over the ring at 4:45, thus eliminating her. Stephanie "Special" K entered the ring and immediately made way to Burroughs, who had been recuperating in a corner. As Stephanie mounted her assault on Burroughs, Zac focused his attention once again on Kevin.

"Slam Poet" Davis entered the ring at the six-minute mark, determined to revenge himself for the humiliation suffered at the hands of the New Whim Order, shoved Zac out of the way and began a vicious assault against Kevin. Content to let Jeff have his way, Zac snuck into a corner to recover. Meanwhile, Bev had managed to wear down Stephanie and eliminated her at the 6:41 mark.  "Diamond" Dave Betancourt entered the ring at the seven-minute mark.

Kevin had managed to take the upper hand against Davis and used his "Kevo-drop" leg drop on him and tossed Davis over the top rope at the 7:13 mark. Yet, the New Whim Order wasn't done with Davis.  New Whim Order flunkies Greg Woodruff and Shana Lockett came down to ringside, accompanied by "Krazy Kat" Hoffer and administered a severe beating to Davis.  In the meantime, Burroughs managed to eliminate King at the 7:41 mark.  Hoffer entered ring at the eight-minute mark.

Hoffer teamed with her New Whim Order teammate Kevin and managed to toss Zac over the top rope at the 8:23 mark.  Hoffer turned her attention to Bev, while Kevin focused his attentions on Betancourt. "Shaggy" entered the ring at the nine-minute mark.  Outside of the ring, the New Whim Order wasn't finished with Davis. After administering a severe beat down and spray-painting, they dragged Davis to the backstage area and shoved him into a rental Geo Metro.  They then signaled for the New Whim Order Tonka Truck to run him over.

As the live audience gasped in horror over the events unfolding backstage, they were totally oblivious to the action occurring in the ring. Bev had managed to beat Hoffer down, and eliminated her at 10:02 mark, just as her New Whim Order compatriot Daine "The Vineyard Dog" entered the ring at 10 minutes.  Seeking to avenge Hoffer, he immediately went after Bev and nailed her with "The Vineyard Slam" and threw her over the top rope at 10:37 into the match.  He then turned his attention towards "Shaggy" as Shaun "The Hulk" Corley entered the ring at the eleven-minute mark. Kevin immediately attacked Corley, his loss to "The Hulk" at Whimcade still fresh in his mind.  Yet the ravaged Kevin was no match for Corley, who tossed Martin over the top rope at the 11:21 mark.  Furious over being eliminated so early, Martin stormed to the backstage area, swearing revenge.

The match continued between the four combatants until the New Whim Order's "Evil Bunny" Katie Tandler entered the ring.  She immediately went after Corley, as did Vineyard, hell-bent on avenging his leader. The two worked Corley over, until Betancourt pulled Vineyard off and "Betanplexed" him.  Just as he was preparing to toss him over the top, Shaggy attacked from behind. Steve "Tha Dogg" Glassbrenner entered the ring at the 13-minute mark, followed by "Photoshoot" Talbott at 14 minutes.  The match degenerated into an old fashioned pier-six brawl, but "Tha Dogg" managed to eliminate Vineyard at the 14:47 mark. The tide of the Royale turned when "Jagermeister" Jenn Peterson entered the ring, wielding her trademark mini-keg, along with the Bitch-Be-Cool-Stick, which she appropriated from Grant "Blitzkrieg" Simmons in a "Loser Leaves Town" match at Whimslam last August. She opened up on Corley, and eliminated him at the 15:12 mark. She did likewise to Talbott at the 15:26 mark and "Shaggy" at 15:47.  Amanda Poore entered the ring at the 16:00 mark.

"Tha Dogg" had focused his attack on Tandler, while Jenn decided to work Betancourt over.  Poore charged at Jenn, allowing Betancourt to slide into the corner to recover.  Meanwhile "Tha Dogg" was successful in his attack on Tandler and eliminated her at the 16:41 mark. "Nightflier" Obloy entered the ring at 17 minutes.  Obloy focused his attack on Poore, who along with Stephanie K., humiliated him two weeks ago on Whim Is War. Revenge on his mind, Obloy laid out a vicious assault on Poore.

Brandon Faust, the final combatant of the evening, strutted down the ramp, accompanied by Kevin, who pulled up a chair at ringside, watching the events in the ring intensely. Brandon grabbed Nick and powerbombed him twice, and threw him over the top rope at 18:37.  He then turned his attentions towards Dave, while Poore rope a doped "Tha Dogg" in the corner. All the while, Kevin continued watching, almost as if he was waiting for something.

Brandon and Dave continue the brawling, yet Dave continued to show resilency and did not cave under Brandon's assault.  At the 23:41 mark Brandon tossed Dave into the ropes and Kevin pulled down the top one, and Dave fell over, thus being eliminated.  Furious, he charged towards Kevin, but Kevin was quicker, and laid Dave out and began kicking him while he was down.  He then signaled towards the backstage area, and the entire New Whim Order roster came to ringside and surrounded the ring.

Undaunted by the developments at ringside, the combatants continued the assault in the ring, and "Tha Dogg" managed to eliminate Brandon at the 26:34 mark. Brandon joined his New Whim Order teammates at ringside. Meanwhile, Jenn continued her assault against Poore, and eliminated her at the 31:41 mark.  She was subsequently administered a beat down by the New Whim Order.  Now only Jenn and "Tha Dogg" remained. To no one's surprise, "Tha Dogg's" tag-team partner Steve "Tha Mountain" Cull came to ringside.  It was what happened next that would change the face of Whim forever.

Kevin tried to block Steve's entry into the ring, yelling at him "this victory belongs to the New Whim Order!"

"Oh does it now?" was Steve's reply.

"Yes," Kevin shouted.

"Whatever you say," Steve said and entered the ring, shoving Kevin aside. Steve climbed into the ring, and "Tha Dogg" could not contain his excitement over his partner's entrance, running around, yelling "Dude! Dude, powerbomb her!" Jenn cowered, in awe of Steve's impressive frame. Steve signaled to the crowd for "The Mountain Slide" power bomb, and they reacted enthusiastically.  Just then, Kevin and Brandon entered the ring. 5,000 shocked fans looked on as "Tha Mountain" turned on his tag team partner and power bombed him, and as he, Jenn, Brandon and Kevin beat "Tha Dogg" down.

No one could believe what they were seeing: Jenn and "Tha Mountain" had joined the New Whim Order.

"Hold him," Jenn yelled, while Kevin and Brandon held Steve's battered body.  She then proceeded to beat him several times with the Bitch-Be-Cool-Stick and finally eliminated "Tha Dogg" at the 35:34 mark and be declared winner of the 5th annual Whim Battle Royale.

Poore, Betancourt and "Tha Dogg" were dragged back into the ring where they were subjected to severe beatdowns by the New Whim Order.  After subjecting them to the requisite spray painting, they kicked the trio out of the ring, and began celebrating.  Kevin grabbed the microphone and gave this speech:

"I want all of you here to take a good look at what you saw here tonight. Take a good long look; because it's your future. From here on out, nothing, and nobody will stop the New Whim Order.  Not Jeff Davis, not Dave Betancourt and not "Tha Dogg." What-cha gonna do? What-cha gonna do when the New Whim Order runs wild on you?"  

The audience, who had previously been pelting the ring with beer cans and other assorted objects, was stunned into silence when Grant "Blitzkrieg" Simmons repelled from the rafters into the ring.  The silence gave way to exuberant cheers as Simmons attacked each member of the New Whim Order, using the "Kalikhan Death Drop" on each of them and tossing them over the top rope.   Finally, only he and Jenn remained.  She charged at him, swinging the stick, but Grant ducked and stomach-punched Jenn, causing her to drop the stick.  Grant picked it up and began whacking her with it until she was out cold.  He then hoisted her up and tossed her over the top rope. Climbing a turnbuckle, Grant held the stick high, and proclaimed:

"BITCH! BE COOL!"

Winner of the Whim Battle Royale: "Jagermeister" Jenn Peterson