Doug McKinney's Sports Cast Death Match
Doug McKinney | Staff Writer
3/29/02
A picture of Dick Vitale cued in by a quote of him saying, "Awesome baby", then a picture of Bill Raftery behind his voice of "Wit da kiss". The pictures then crash as the Whim-TV Celebrity Caster Death Match logo shows up. The camera fades in to the broadcast table at the Dedmon Center at Radford University with the Celebrity Death Match music playing. Dougie Fresh is dressed in a Dick Vitale "Awesome Baby!" t-shirt, and Dennis Miller with a Bill Raftery "da kiss" shirt, as the two get ready to open up the show.)
Dougie Fresh: It's me, it's me. It's that D-O-U-G! The Fresh Prince wants to welcome you all to a jam-packed entertaining night where featured sports reporters will face off in this very ring, here tonight on Whim-TV's (formerly Roc-TV) Celebrity Caster Death Match! My wonderful partner, Dennis Miller joins me live for an exciting match. Dennis Miller: Well thank you my right hand man for that gracious opening. Doug: Eh, sure no problem. So what can our viewers expect out of tonight's card? Dennis: Well you know the Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long. So is the middle finger of the guy at 84th and Columbus who I stole the cab from today (The camera focuses in on Doug as he just gives a complete confused stare into the heart of the camera. Back to Dennis) Dennis:My point is I expect it to be a jam-packed night! (Camera focuses back on Doug as he continues to give the complete confused stare.) Doug:Moving on, in our first match representing the NFL is former "Team Fox" made up of all time greats John Madden and Pat Summerall (Crowd cheers). In the other corner is NBC's team of NBA announcers, Marv Albert and Bill Walton (Crowd cheers). Let's check in with sideline reporter Melissa Stark. (Camera switches to Melissa. She is standing outside the Team Fox locker room looking beautiful as usual.) Melissa Stark:I'm standing outside the locker room of the team formerly known as "Team Fox." John and Pat are looking to play key defense in this one and not get themselves in a sticky situation, which could result in some costly turnovers. This team has a very good chemistry and has been together for a while, a disadvantage to the newly formed tag team of Marv and Bill. John and Pat do have some fellow Fox fans waiting the back to celebrate and they wanted to take part in tonight's event, but due to one of the NBC
analysts charges he won't be available for a long time. (Camera switches back to Doug. He is caught on camera drooling over Melissa. Whim-TV executive director, Rachel Thompson, signals to Doug that
the camera is focusing on him as he begins to snap out of it. Dennis goes right ahead to speak his mind.)
Dennis: You know when I was a young man you didn't see the on-field prostate test. Doug:Never mind that. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen. Just stunning work Melissa, absolutely stunning. Er, ah--Now lets check in to see what the opponents on the other side of the ring have to say about the match. Eric Dickerson, what do you have for us? (Camera focuses on Eric standing with Marv Albert and Bill Walton.) Eric Dickerson: Well now my man Mr. Fresh Prince, I'm standing here with my boys Marv and Bill. (Camera cuts to Doug who looks displeased) Doug: E.D. please just call me Doug, ok. (Back to Eric) Eric: Oh my bad. Well let me tell ya what's going down, well, uh, down here. I have footage of the two getting the right mindset just a few moments ago. (The camera glances at E.D. for a moment, who is wearing dark sunglasses inside. The camera shows Bill talking on the phone, and then shows Marv watching television smiling and shouting in a sexual manner at the TV.) Eric: Now Bill tell me who you were rapping to over da phone? Bill Walton: Well now E.D. I was talking to my two sons on the phone about how it felt to lose in the NCAA tourneys last week. I told them tonight I'd make sure somebody in our family wins in March! Eric: Now Bill. Marv what was that you were watching on TV? Was it something that can help you tonight? Marv: Well now Eric, I was watching Melissa Stark on TV who was just on TV a few minutes ago. What a beautiful woman that is. Does it get any better then that? Just the blonde hair. Eric: Man get your mind off of her. You got a match coming up! Marv: The sexy eyes, beautiful smile! (Camera cuts back up to Doug) Doug: What a sick pervert. How embarrassing that must be to be caught on
camera obsessed over someone's looks. (Rachel coughs implying to Doug to recall what happened with him moments ago) Doug: Well let's get ready for the first match, shall we? Second to baseball, basketball and football players receive the highest paid contracts in the sports world. Most aspects of the two sports have gone sour, but tonight we will see announcers who represent the two sports with a good name. (The NBA on NBC theme plays as everyone shakes their heads to go along with
the catchy tune. Bill and Marv come out to the ring with their manager Bob Costas. The NFL Fox theme plays as everyone enjoys the beat once more. John and Pat get in the ring and blow kisses to the crowd. Judge Mills Lane gives the signal with his traditional "Let's Get It On!" Pat and Bill start off as Bill gets Pat in a headlock. Bill throws Pat's head into the turnbuckle, and then picks him up off the ground and gives him a tombstone pile driver. The crowd goes wild. The camera focuses on John Madden as he says, "Well he's going to be feeling that one tomorrow." Bill faces the crowd and yells, "I am a winner!" John runs in and tags Pat and starts pounding on Bill who falls over to tag Marv. Camera focuses on Marv, as he
looks into John's eyes and says in his scruffy voice "Well what a great
match-up we have here. A legend verses a legend. What a great moment."
John interrupts Marv's speech with a neck breaker. John, walking around the fallen Marv, says, "The defense always has to be ready from the start of the game. They can never be on the balls of their feet." Marv then lands a low blow on John with a kick to the gonads. "Speaking of balls and feet. HAHA, HAHA," Marv comments with his tradmark laugh. Bob yells out "Way to go Marv. Finish him off," as Marv flicks him off and begins to taunt the crowd. Fans boo. Pat comes in and hits Marv. Bob waves to the back and out comes Jayson Williams, handcuffs and all. They get in the ring and start pounding on Pat. Fans boo even more. Then suddenly Terry Bradshaw and James Brown come running down to take on Bob and Jayson. James pulls out a paper clip and barely stabs Bob with it, as he goes down crying. Jayson has a toy rifle and points it at Terry but Terry takes the gun breaks in half over his leg and rips off his shirt. Crowd goes nuts. Terry then picks up Jayson for a chokeslam. Fans go wild as Terry goes out of control and actually punches Pat because he was too excited. Marv then knocks down James and Terry, and continues with his taunting. Marv then turns and sees Melissa getting ready for her next segment and starts to drool. John Madden slowly, and I mean slowly gets up, as Marv turns around and John delivers a spear that knocks out Marv.) Doug: Team Fox wins! With the help of Terry Bradshaw and JB, and well I guess you can say Melissa Stark, the team formerly known as Team Fox wins the first match of the night. Lets check in with Melissa who is waiting in the ring. Melissa:Well Doug? Doug: Oh you can call me Mr. Fresh Prince, and if you want to I can call you Mrs. Fresh Princess. Melissa:Well eh Mr.Prince, I'm here with John Madden and Pat Summerall the winners of the opening match. John what do you have to say about the deadly spear you delivered to get the win? John:Boom! He got popped! The guy hit him so loud you could hear the hit on a television with the mute button on. Doug:I don't know how that's possible, but if you say so John. Thank you Melissa. Now let's send it down to Bonnie Bernstein who is standing with Team PTI verses Team Sports Center. Bonnie? (Bonnie is standing in between Michael Wilbon/Tony Kornheiser and Stuart Scott/Rich Eisen.) Bonnie:Thanks Doug. Doug: Oh you're welcome. You can call me Mr. Fresh Prince if you'd
like. By the way, you're looking hot as usual. Bonnie: Uh, thanks. Stuart Scott, what are your feelings heading into this match tonight? Stuart: Holla! Welcome everybody to Celebrity Caster Death Match, I'm Stuart Scott, and this is my homeboy Rich Eisen, come on Rich E. Rich give some skin. Rich: On the flip side Stu-dawg. Stuart: We face two-bama jama's tonight from that new show PTI: "Please Tune In to our Show," HAHA! Michael: Well Stuart, I must admit Tony and I are still trying to get used to working with each other, but we are not new to television, we've had the show Full Court Press on NBC which could be viewed in the city of D.C. Tony: Mike-Dub it's my turn to talk. Now what we're going to do tonight
Stuuuuuu-dawg, is... Michael: Pardon me? Did you just cut me off? (The two continue to exchange words as Stuart and Rich keep practicing their handshakes. Bonnie looks confused as she sends it back up to Doug.) Doug:Very unusual for two partners to be fighting with each other, if I remember, I thought they were supposed to be on the same team? Guess they think they're still on "Pardon The Interruption?" Let's see who comes out on top of this match, as the winner will get what Stuart Scott likes to call "mad props" from ESPN.
(The match starts out backstage with both teams trading punches. Tony K and Rich Eisen go at it while Mike and Stuart just keep circling around each other. Tony K knocks Rich down, as Michael does the same to Stuart. Tony K and Mike look at each other then get a running start as the Sports Center duo get up. Team PTI tries for a clothesline but Team SC ducks and the Team PTI falls to the ground. Stuart Scott finds two trashcans and throws one of them to Rich. They start whamming on Team PTI, and Stuart keeps repeating: "Boomshakalka!" Rich then throws Tony K into the trashcan and puts his hand over his ear like Hulk Hogan does. Rich: "What's that mom? You want me to take out the trash?" A crowd shot shows fans with dull looks on their faces as they tried to understand Rich's taunt. It gets so quiet that you could hear crickets begin to chirp. Stuart looks at Rich, "Come on dawg, you gotta be fresh like Stu-dawg." Fans still confused. Rich and Stuart huddle up to think of a good line. Tony K and Mike get up as fans go nuts. Mike low blows Stuart as Stuart falls to the ground and Tony K punches Rich who becomes dizzy. Mike starts celebrating, as Rich snaps out of it and gets ready to take on the two. Tony K takes a trash can lid and looks to be hitting Rich but hits Michael. Mike falls to the ground as Tony K starts to
celebrate. Rich was thinking of hitting Tony K but he joins in the
celebration. Stuart Scott gets up as him and Rich start doing their
handshake. Tony K then laughs as Team SC looks over at him and then out of nowhere a loud noise rings out. Team SC turns around and there is Michael Wilbon driving a trash truck. Tony throws them in the back of the truck as fans go wild. Michael gets out of the truck and goes to give Tony K a hug. Michael then throws Tony K in the truck and celebrates. Terry Bradshaw comes out of nowhere to spear Wilbon into the back of the truck. Bradshaw then closes the back and drives away. The camera turns to Doug and Dennis as they just sit there sitting with a blank look on their faces.) Dennis:It was a distant journey above the collective cranial region, babe. (Suddenly out of the back wall behind Doug and Dennis the trash truck rams into Dennis Miller knocking him out. Terry apologizes and reverses the truck.) Doug:I'm speechless. Ladies and gentlemen we've just witnessed a very bizarre ending to that match. We've learned that the ESPN personalities that were shown tonight really are themselves on and off their selected shows. And we've also learned that Terry Bradshaw is one crazy @$$ mother-F%#@! Greg "Gaylord" Fauker, I mean Ben Stiller is in attendance everyone! (The camera zooms in on Ben as fans go wild) Doug: Let's send it down to E.D. who is standing by with Marv and Bill. (The camera focuses on E.D. then cuts right back to Doug--E.D. looks pissed)
Doug:Ok, E.D. thanks for the report! Before the show my own, I mean our own Melissa Stark and Bonnie Bernstein met up with Dick Vitale and Bill Raftery, respectively to find out a little more of our highlighted stars. Let's take a look. (Melissa is shown standing on East Rutherford High School's basketball court in New Jersey. She goes on to give a little background about Dick's life, when they show pictures of his early days. Then they go on to show pictures of him today with lots of cheerleaders, and throw in random quotes he uses week after week. Then Bernie is shown at Seton Hall and basically the same setup for Bill.) Doug:Well ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our main event. It's the first ever "March [Listening to these guys I've gone] Madness" match! Unlike other Celebrity Caster Death Matches, you can win this match without even killing the other guy. All you have to do is pin him or KO. Let's get started! (The CBS "Road to the Final Four" theme plays as everyone does the whole head-shaking thing. Bill Raftery smiles and blows kisses while repeating after repeating after repeating, "here I am wit da kiss". Then suddenly, "It's Awesome Baby," the Dick Vitale theme plays as he comes out of the crowd wearing a Maryland warm up shirt and Duke warm up pants. Mills Lane gets this match started. Bill and Dick keep circling each other as they share a few words.) Dick: (in his loud, distinctive voice) This is an N.C.! No, I'm not
talking about my beloved Tar Heels--this is a no contest baby! I'm a human space ship--a big player! Oh what a total M&Mer, it's a mismatch baby! It's gonna be awesome baby! Bill:(in his scratchy voice) Now Dick, you seem very confident on the other side there. It's a man-a-man fight out there. And I'll show you I'm the better man, wit a little kisssssssssss. (Dick knocks down Bill with a clothesline as fans go nuts. Dick throws off his Duke pants as he has a pair of Tar Heel shorts underneath. Bill gets up and the two get in a tie up. Bill counters and gets Dick in an arm lock. Dick shouts in pain, "It hurts baby, it hurts," as Bill laughs on. Bill throws him into the turnbuckle and says, "off the turnbuckle with a little kiss." Bill then goes for a suplex but has a hard time picking up Dick. Bill then starts to cough and leans on the ropes. Dick regains his energy and says, "Uh-oh, looks like Mr. Raftery needs a T-O baby, Time Out! He needs to sub in a PTPer, Mr. Prime Time! Where is he? He's not here! It's not you Mr. Raftery, sorry!" Fans go nuts. Dick puts Bill on top of the turnbuckle and throws him off saying, "Dickie V dialing AT&T, he's going long distance!" Raftery hits the ring floor hard with a loud thud. Fans go wild as Dickie V takes off his Maryland Warm up to reveal his own T-shirt. Dick then goes over to Bill, who catches him a low blow while referee Mills
isnt looking. Fans boo. Bill: "Oh Mr. Raftery playing dat man-a-man
defense and finishing off strong, wit da kiss!" Fans boo. Fans start
throwing their Dickie V bobble head dolls in the ring. Ben Stiller then
throws his own doll into the ring and it hits Bill Raftery. Dickie V gets up and yells out, "Oh you better go back to the drawing board. Draw up dem X's and O's. Get a new strategy baby!" Fans go wild as Mills Lane checks on Bill and calls for the match. Dick goes nuts as he raises his hands in the form of raising the roof. "Im a surf-n-turfer! I'm a superstar! Pucker up Mr. Raftery it's Prom Time, where's da kiss?" Doug:So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Bill Raftery lost this match because he was beaten by, uhhh, a Dick Vitale Bobble Head! For the injured Dennis Miller, I'm Dougie Fresh: good fight, good night. (The camera shows Doug laughing at Dennis; down in the ring Dickie V is still by rehashing some of his old quips. A quick scene of E.D. trying to get airtime is shown. Melissa Stark is getting ready to leave as Marv Albert chases her. As the camera fades we see Terry Bradshaw heading straight for the camera. End Show.)
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