The 50 Best Ways the University Can Make Money
The Whim Staff
2/08/02
With the recent budget crisis, the Whim staff has taken it upon ourselves to
come up with some ways for the university to make or save some money.
Rent the fountain out to swimmers; make them collect spare change from
bottom
Run the heat in Heth Hall only every other day
Pay professors based on their student ratings
Rent out students as general laborers in Radford factories
Charge for campus tours
Make RU an official "red light district"
Rent the golf carts to students
Stop cutting the grass
Add powdered cocaine to Freshëns' smoothies
Brew Highlander lager, ale, and stout
Hold a charity race up the Muse Hall steps
Sell pork rinds to the cops
Switch to 1/2 ply toilet paper
Install "magic finger" beds in the dorms
Charge smokers a butt tax
Charge dogs a poop tax
Charge fraternity members a booty tax
Charge a one-shouldered shirt tax
Charge a Chrusties tax
Rent our the male population to Hollins University, the females to VMI
Only allow one parent per graduate at comencement
Cancel comencement...have a big kegger instead
Rent out the quads for farming and grazing
Steal and resell items from the laundry rooms
Recycle uneaten food from the Terrace Shops
Charge to "see what's under the kilt" at the Highlander Festival
Sell your soul to Pepsi...oh, wait....
Sell Coca-Cola on the black market
Broadcast a pay-per-view orgy; film near the ceramic couch
Charge professors for babbling
Sell a subscription to Whim
Make computers coin-activated; don't accept RU express
Set fire to Peters Hall and collect the insurance money
Hold the next Olymics at the Dedmon Center
Open an online casino
Make President Covington "smile and wave" on the Jerry Lewis telethon
Institute "Haunted Tunnel Tours"
Charge bus fare for the shuttle
Stop production on the Jefferson Street welcome sign
Have a bake sale and sell "special" brownies
Collect all the drugs in Muse Hall and sell at a profit
Tally the software piracy in Draper Hall and make a deal with Microsoft
Charge for each porn download
Sell alcohol in Piper's
Fine students for their STDs
Sell Fairfax Hall as a cult headquarters for Liberty University
Register Radford University with Save The Children
Manadatory loitering fee
Sell the gold in Covington's elevator
Cut the student leadership fund even more
Name: Greg W. Comments:
You can't sell me to HU. Ok, so I had a bad experience w/ someone there. But I wouldn't mind being sold. =P
Name: rachel Comments:
Kraut - why don't you Submit some of your great ideas?!!
Name:Kraut Comments:
Some of these definitely deserve consideration! & #55 (or so) Campaign to introduce RU's FIRST edible Scottish food--REAL SHORTBREAD COOKIES, readily available in vending machines; special edition collectable tins with RU scenes featured; or RU tartan packaging and more. Great for individual consumption, great gifts for young and old (graduation, holidays, etc.) USA or international students/family, friends, etc. (Mailable) Want more ideas/ details? Please contact me. I've 'lotsa'.
Name: Bryan Year: Frosh Comments:
Great stuff, thanks for the plug in #7, and yes, I live in Draper, we all walk around with eye patches, parrots, and bad cases or scurvy, arrrr!
Name: marie Comments:
We really should do a few of those!!!(#20,37, and of course 40)
Name: Jenn Comments:
#16- Instead of charging a dog poop tax, use it as free fertilizer.
Name:Matt Barker Year: Sophmore Major: Media Production Comments:
1) Open a bungee jump station off of the roof of muse 2) Add toll boths to the sidewalks, charge a toll for all golf carts 3)Open a Pub/bar in the basement of Heth
Name: LF Year: Soph Major: Media Studies Comments:
Have the university have Ruth pay a charge for every student she busts..maybe that would cut down on prison life.:)
Name: B Comments:
Sidewalk is drawn in half- one dollar charged per person on the wrong side.
Name: jen Comments:
charge a fine for people who can't read parking lot signs...
Name: Shaun Year: Grad Major: English Comments:
Charge a fine for all the students who can't walk in a straight line.
Name: Stephanie Year: Sophmore Major: Communications Comments:
This is great!
Name:BK Year: 2000 Comments:
Number 14 got lost on me. Maybe it's my old age. But some of these are not bad ideas at all! (well, except the paid subscriptions to Whim). :)
And thank the Lord we weren't charged for porn downloads back in the day. Hoo boy.
Name:Steph :) Year: Jr. Major: English Comments:
Great job guys--absolutely hilarious :)
With the recent budget crisis, the Whim staff has taken it upon ourselves to
come up with some ways for the university to make or save some money.