Steve Glassbrenner | Toon Section Manager

3/08/02

Hi, this is Escobar Martinez and this my new Life section feature, "Ask Escobar Martinez". Here, you the readers send in questions to life's mysteries and I answer them.

1) Dear Escobar,

It burns when I pee. Does God not love me anymore? -Danny Smellneth, Age 8

Escobar says: I don't know what you did Danny but you're definately going to pay for your sins! Maybe it's because you don't love your little brother enough. It could be because you caused your parents to get a divorce. Enjoy Hell!

2) Dear Escobar,

What time is it? -Louis Llamamera

Escobar says: Time is relative, unless you don't know how to program a vcr or a microwave oven. In that case it is always 12:00. That is not always a bad thing either. If this is the case and you disable all the other clocks in your house (don't forget wrist watches!!!) time itself freezes and allows you to do things like peek in the ladies room!

3) Dear Escobar,

What is the best way to dispose of a body? - Katie Tandler | Life Section Manager

Escobar says: Well Katie, different movies tell us different things.

a)Snatch: The movie Snatch tells us to chop up the body and feed it to hungry little pigs. (Just make sure to remove the teeth and bones to save their little digestive systems!)

b)Shallow Grave: The movie Shallow Grave tells us to chop the body up with an axe and bury it in a shallow grave.

c)Weekend At Bernies: The movie Weekend At Bernies tells us that if you and another person pretend that the body is alive, nobody will be able to tell the difference!

d)Weekend At Bernies II: Weekend At Bernies II tells us that if you copy Weekend At Bernies, the body will come back as a zombie through the forces of voodoo!

4) Dear Escobar,

Who did let the dogs out? -Kyle Prepart

Escobar says: Sandy Llyons 813 Rosewood Ave. Sandusky Ohio 34292

5) Dear Escobar,

How do you win an election? Kevin Martin | Tech Section Manager

Escobar says: The most effective way of winning an election is by running unopposed. (See question #3 Kevin!)