Jeff Davis | Vent Section Manager

For your amusement, I have compiled a list of items that are scary year-round, not just at Halloween. So for those of you who like a good scare all the time, take special note of this list:

1. The Pontiac Aztec. Looks like a Dodge Caravan on an acid trip, an '87 Nissan Sentra wagon caught in a wormhole, or its sister, the Grand Am, having been chewed up and spit out. Also has about as much horsepower as a paraplegic wheelbarrow.
   

2. Senator Tom DeLay (R-TX). He'd let everyone who wasn't Christian be burned at the stake if it gave him a better public image (and a new Caddy). Claims to have the truth, and sounds frighteningly like Jesus when he talks about it. Jesus didn't need any stinking mansion or a Cadillac.
   

3. Jack Palance. "You [deep inhale-exhale] are [inhale-exhale twice, louder this time] my number one guy [inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale, shoulder rub]."
   

4. That bumpersticker I saw on a '74 Ford pickup that simply stated, "I found it."
   

5. Children who go into a state of clinical depression, rocking back and forth on the ends of their plastic race car beds, sent into a state of perpetual woe because their Gigapet died.
   

6. Anyone who includes in any sentence the phrase, "In accordance with the prophecy."
   

7. Any Pink Floyd tribute album. I've seen the artists they get to cover songs like "Comfortably Numb," "Wish You Were Here" and "Learning to Fly." Puh-leese.
   

8. Goldie Hawn. Is it just me, or is her birthday everyday?
   

9. The idea that anyone would invent any of the following products: 2000 Flushes Yellow, 2000 Flushes Brown, and 2000 Flushes Red.

   And the final thing that is scary year-round and not just at Halloween:

10. Celine Dion. "Lady, the ship sank. Get over it."