Jeff Davis | Vent Section Manager

So my roommates and I are out of toilet paper. This is a Delta-level alert emergency, so we hop into Shaun's Bronco and go to Food Lion. The trip up the hill was quick, but the trip back took forever, and not because we got a lot of stuff and his truck couldn't handle the weight. It was the drivers in the parking lot.

Shaun's kind of a goofy driver. He's a good driver who's only gotten a few tickets for mild things. When someone's driving skills irk him, he makes this low, saliva-laden growl and screams four-letter words. He had a few to share in the Food Lion lot.

This person was just sitting in an aisle of the lot. Well, not sitting per se, just creeping. Kind of like a snail. In the middle of the aisle. I suppose he figured if he dilly-dallied at 0.02 mph, a parking space nearby would eventually become available. No such luck. And Shaun was on his internal horn, imploring the ****ing person to move out of the ****ing way.

It's not just the Food Lion lot either. For a more dangerous experience, try the Wal-Mart lot at Valley View in Roanoke. It's like a Kia proving ground up there. Or worse, you can try the parking lot at my old high school. A few years back, my mom came to school to pick up my sister. Mom had just gotten a new Ford Windstar with all the trimmings. She was turning into a parking space when a Toyota Tercel came out of nowhere and slammed into her left-front quarterpanel. The woman was trying to go around my mom as she was turning in, but she was going around her on the side Mom was turning.

A bus driver, who was our witness when our insurance company sued the Toyota owner who had no insurance (apparently not even Progressive would take her), said it was the stupidest thing she'd ever seen.

A parking lot is, more times than not, a privately-owned space, but that doesn't mean it isn't bound by laws of courtesy and patience. So be careful out there.

I don't want to break out the bar of soap on Shaun.