Grant's Top Twenty Titillating Tech Toys for the Troubled Techie
Graphic By: Steve Austin

It's getting to be that time of year again and as for myself, I'm working in retail. Anyway, things get kind of hectic, but you know how that goes if you've ever had a job selling anything. Basically I'll be slurping nicotine through a straw if I snap at another customer. Here are my top picks for Christmas 2001. Please watch for red and green colored vomit in aisle four.

  1. Microsoft X-box- I can't wait to play Ultimate Super Street Fighter Alpha Zero EX2 Plus Turbo Championship Edition!!
  2. DVD Player (Progressive scan recommended)- Take command of the Nineties!! Uh. I mean, the new millennium. Hey, now don't stick that in the VCR!!
  3. PDA Palm Pilot- I'd say the Sony CLIE is the way to go, or maybe Handspring's 3 in 1 model. When will the hairy palm pilot come out?
  4. Satellite Radio- Don't do this the hard way. That metal plate in my head itches. On the other hand, I can still get frequencies from Quebec.
  5. Porn DVD's!!- I'm terribly sorry, wrong list. Ain't nothin' wrong with it, though.
  6. Digital Camera- Olympus Brio or Canon Powershot are good ones. Now you don't have to develop naked pictures of yourself to put on the internet. Not that you would do that.
  7. Wireless Speakers- Not recommended for use in the shower and/or gas chamber.
  8. CD Burner- 2x isn't going to cut it. Support your local friendly neighborhood pirate. Yargie Blar!
  9. Dell Package- Not that it comes with DVD or Burner, but hey, for only $600, you can save towards preserving the sea monkeys with a small donation.
  10. Sony Vega Trinitron Television- It's the closest thing we have to smellivison. A Flagulent man is often Flatulent.
  11. Digital Mini DV Camcorder- (Panasonic or Samsung are good brands) Film a baby monkey today!
  12. Digital Cable- An alternate to Satellite.
  13. A Clone- I get first dibs on this one.
  14. Windows XP- I know how you all must feel about Lord Satan...I mean Mr. Gates, but I have to say I've only heard good things about his new operation here.
  15. The Internet Urinal- This actually exists! I kid you not; you can get them in Macintosh colors.
  16. Sony Vaio- Sony just cannot do any wrong. Oh, and get a PS2 while you're at it.
  17. A Robot Dog- This one's a fluke. I think I'll name it Kujo.
  18. Scanner/Printer Combo- Now where did all those naked pictures go? I've got a live chat in thirty minutes.
  19. Secret Laboratory- Do I have to say anything?
  20. The Illustrious Bitch Be Cool Stick- This warped instrument of technology is a must have for the downtrodden husband, writer, or hey, Whim Section Manager!


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Name: Jenn
Comments:
Graphics Managers like Bitch Be Cool Sticks ;-) hehe Comes in handy when Section Managers don't turn in their graphic requests like they're supposed to!!

Name: Brian
Comments:
Dont' forget Quake III Arena. The game's been out a while, but it still rocks. I'm in Richmond now, but I'm on my way to a LAN party where we'll Quake until we pass out. :)

Name: Shaun
Year: Grad
Major: English
Comments:
"19. Secret Laboratory- Do I have to say anything?"

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