The Origins of Dalton Rolls
Alan Baker | Guest Writer

This article is completely fictional and does not reflect actual events.

Many students that I have talked to have brought up the question of how Dalton Cafeteria got the rolls they currently serve. They are indeed a curiosity to be viewed throughout the state. Although the University denies this, I have sources that actually prove that Radford University attracts a small tourism industry solely for this purpose. This, however, is beside the point. I have dug around, researched, blackmailed, and threatened in order to bring you the true history of the Dalton roll.

The history stretches back to 1972, during the Vietnam War. The US government was looking for a good way to fight the rebels sure to be in among the friendly troops. They developed prototype AT2694A. This was a semi-biological weapon. It was intended to lure the unsuspecting Viet Cong to ingest it (seeing as how they loved our food so much, and made attempts on food drops, especially for the oh so delicious rolls) and then, once inside it would explode, revealing to all who the traitor was.

This obviously did not last long. Although few were killed, the Viet Cong grew to avoid these rolls, even though it pained them to waste potentially good food (as not every roll was a weapon). The prototype was put aside and nearly forgotten until Desert Storm came around. After much conferring the generals decided to modify prototype At2694a. What came of the modifications was a new type of roll. This roll was covered lightly with sand (blending in very well with the landscape) and left there. When the enemy approached, the roll would shoot up via compressed air and hit them in the chin, usually knocking them out or breaking their jaw. At this point, the shells of the rolls had been hardened and reinforced for more effect. The process made them completely edible (although time-consuming) and biodegradable.

This weapon was so successful that General Schwarzkopf himself is supposed to have said such a weapon changed the tide of the war. When viewing the properties and development of such a weapon, it is easy to see why.

Now, we are almost to the present. After Desert Storm, the military had so many excess rolls, they looked for a good way to get rid of them. This is where Radford University came in. They saw cheap rolls, and purchased them at rock bottom prices. No questions were asked. Later on, the true properties were discovered, but kept under wraps to keep the students happy. They entered into a secret agreement to manufacture these rolls for the military, in exchange for certain benefits that I have failed to discover, even through my most diligent means.

Currently, Radford makes rolls for the military when needed. Most of the time they are served to the student body, even when such rolls could become lethal projectiles, shatter windows, and empower a mob with unimaginable power. When I asked the campus police how they would deal with such a riot, they just stared at me. I don't believe they have seriously considered such a possibility. Woe be the day the student body riots, armed with these deadly rolls!

There, my friends, is the History of the Dalton roll. From Vietnam to our dinner plate, the roll has made a long trip. Next time you pick up a roll at Dalton, don't discard the idea of lobbing it at your hated enemy at the next table. You might just give them something to think about.