My name is Josephina Van Horn, and I've got a real bone to pick with you snooty blue-collar folk around here. You all are so, so selfish! What with you driving around in your shiny new Hyundais and Hondas, I can't help but wonder if ya'll people are hiding some big reserve of cash! Isn't this a democracy? Shouldn't everyone get a fair share of the pie?

Well, I sure think so. And I wasn't afraid to ask for help or to work for change. So I set up a fund-drive... for myself. That's right! I want my fair share! All you people going on and on about how the economy is so good right now, with your nifty $1,600 tax refunds so you can send your kids to college and pay off your shiny new cars, you'd think you might have the common courtesy to spread things around, the way a true democracy should work!

I put a little booth right in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot, because my son said he learned in history class that it's just like a new Woolworth's. My daddy said never to go into Woolworth's, because Van Horns aren't allowed in there. He never told me why, but I knew why even then; it's because you "regular people" are just too stuck-up to let me into your shiny, pretty stores with everything you need all in one stop. You people are so stuck-up, so lazy, you won't even consider going to more than one store like I am forced to do. I had to drive to Tiffany's in New York City to get my shoes! Tiffany's! New York City! You have no shame!

I persevered just like a Van Horn should, I stood out there for hours with my "Rusty 'Ristocrat Needs Lubricant" sign and all I got were horrible, mean-spirited responses. Someone drove up to me in his brand new Toyota pickup and spat on the ground, calling me a "snob". How dare he! I'm the victim! He should be so lucky to have a 2001 Toyota when I have to settle for a 1999 Rolls Royce! Do you hear me? It's a two-year old car! What kind of democracy is this? I even used your precious little dialect in my sign, hoping that maybe this would resignate with you, but no, you scoffed at me, as if your take on the language is sacred.

Someone walked past with their children, took one look at my pleading little face, and covered her kids' eyes and gathered them all up, practically falling over, just so she could shield them from the truth! Things ain't so great, are they? Hmm? Not everyone is sharing in the wealth! I bet she really likes all the trunk space she has in that Ford Taurus station wagon she piled them all into! I have to settle for just a backseat and this annoying champagne holder that my few guests are always banging their knees on. The ice spills all over their pants, and now no one will come visit me. And it's all your fault!

Oh, oh, and don't you even get me started on your financial aid system at your stuck-up University. I tried to get financial aid for my little Jack who wants to be a lawyer, and that prissy woman behind the counter with her shiny cubic zirconium ring (she should be so lucky, my diamonds are over two hundred years old), told me that they should be searching for aid from me! The nerve! All you people do is take and take and take! You don't care that my money was a gift, bestowed upon me by my hardworking father and the glory of God, you just want it all for yourself! Well no more! It's just not fair!

Please, don't let my anger scare you away from helping me! I must join all of you in your economic bliss to be accepted into this community! Send money, please, I won't ask for anything ever again, and if you send two checks, I'll be your best friend! I promise! I've never had a best friend before but I know I can be a good one!

Name: Jeff
Year: Junior
Major: English
Comments:
I was actually taking a crack at how people think democracy and capitalism go hand in hand, but your comments are quite valid as well! :-)

Name: Poor Girl
Year: Sophmore
Major: Media Studies
Comments:
I enjoyed the article about "Why Won't Anyone Help Me?" I believe that it was a cute way to make fun of the people who get upset because they have less then $500 in their bank account. When you see someone who has an expensive car that their daddy bought them and they are complaining about being broke, us poor people just want to say "Shut-up...nobody cares that you only have $400 instead of $500. At least you have money. Go away and find someone who cares. I'm sure you can find someone that is in the same situation as you and you can complain to each other. As for me, I dont want to hear it. I DONT CARE!" You may be trying to show off or trying to be cool but its not working. Get over yourself.

Name: Stinkape
Comments:
The bananas also mold when sent through UPS. Dry Banana Chips however work very well even though they give me horrible gas....

Name: WhimElder
Comments:
I'd like to donate to you Spider Monkey..but the banannas squish when I try to put them in the envelope

Name: Spider Monkey
Comments:
The other day a troop of college frat meatheads beat the crap out of me just because I was an ape walking down the street with a cup of bananna juice. While I was knocked out, people put $8 worth of change in my cup full of juice and brown spit chew those drunks chewed. And you say people aren't giving! I hope DETOX kicks my bare baboon butt again!