Rand Corporation Unveils the New and Improved Girl
Amidst a frenzy of reporters, members of the scientific community and the just plain curious, the Rand Corporation unveiled the New and Improved Girl last month at the Second Annual Eugenics Conference held at a secret compound in Tucson, Arizona.
“We realized that there was as inherent flaw in God’s original design,” stated Dr. Melvin Stoneywich, head of the Girl Project at Rand. “I assume everyone here is familiar with the three basic main ingredients necessary for a girl: sugar, spice and everything nice. The problem was, God used too much spice. We’ve decreased the spice level by 23% and increased the level of everything nice by 40%.
“Over the years, there have been attempts at tweaking the formula. Many of you will recall the Welch project back in the early 70’s. By radically increasing the spice level, the researchers were trying to create an army of Raquel Welch clones. The experiment went awry and instead the Welch scientists were left with a harem of Phyllis Dillers.”
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Stoneywich brought out the new Girl, who bore a strong resemblance to Natalie Portman. Dr. Stoneywich explained that the resemblance was due to a researcher’s unhealthy fixation on Miss Portman. “But once we realized what she was going to look like, it was too late,” he said. When questioned about the appearances of the new Girls, he replied, “they’ll come in all shapes and sizes, Variety is the spice of life, you know.”
So what advantages will the new and improved girl have over her predecessors? “For one, guys won’t ever have to play guessing games to know where they stand with her in a relationship. She’ll be totally open with her feelings, there will be no mystery here. The new and improved Girl also believes that communication is an important aspect of any relationship. She'll also accept a guy for his personality; not for his clothing, his car or how much alcohol he can drink.
“Not to say that she’ll be a pushover, not by any stretch of the imagination. Whenever the new and improved Girl finds herself in a relationship with a man who is, in the language of the street, a ‘jerk,’ she’ll promptly terminate the relationship. By jerk I mean a man who is abusive, unfaithful, and is using Girl merely for sex.”
Rand hopes to have the new and improved Girl out by years end. “We’ve worked out all the bugs in the design,” said Stoneywich. “I’m positive that the public will receive the new and improved Girl with open arms. After all, if I had been a young man and she came out, I know I would!”
Comments: Comments:
Name: Shaun
Year: Soon-to-be-Grad
Major: English
Comments:
To the previous two posters...you will be pleased to note that Dr. Stoneywich and his associates have returned to Rand labs and are indeed hard at work on the perfect guy! Pending a grant from the Khan Foundation, the perfect guy should be in your homes (and beds) by late 2004!
the perfect guy....whoo! if dr. stoneywich can create that, i think he should get the nobel peace prize
And the next project should be "the perfect guy"
Wow..that's a oxymoron, isn't it?