The Dedmon Center played host to the Fourth Annual Whim Battle Royale. As in years past, the same rules applied: no DQ, come as you are, bring want you what. However, on the installment of Whim is War the week before, Commissioner Thomason added some new wrinkles, namely an open invitation to anyone Whim, past or present, to show up. She also decreed that the winner would go on to face the World Champ at Whimamania 5.
The participants this year include: Shaun “The Hulk” Corley, Grant “Blitzkrieg” Simmons, Dave “The Diamond” Betancourt, Jeff “Mad Dog” Davis, Jenn Jagermeister, “The Goat Man” Tim Evans, Dave “the Pastor of Disaster” Greek, “Drummer” Zac Martin, Nicole “Rowdy” Ridgeway, “Savage” Shannon Barbe, Brian “the Spike” Nash, Jennie “the Germ” Judy and Amanda “Sarge” Steele.
The format of the Royale was the same as last: two people start, with a new person entering every two minutes until all combatants were in the ring. A participant was disqualified once they were thrown over the top rope. The first two in were “The Goat Man” Tim Evans and Dave “The Diamond” Betancourt.
Betancourt made short work of Evans, working him over with a variety of power moves, and applying his signature Betanplex to Evans and then tossing him over the top rope at the 1:34 mark. Betancourt took advantage of the thirty seconds before the next person, which was “Drummer” Zac Martin. The two went at it ferociously, a shot at the world title lingering in their minds. Zac is feared in the wrestling world for his “DrumRoll” DDT, which he sought to use Betancourt at the first opportunity. At the 3:58 mark, Zac nailed Dave with it, and was preparing to toss him over the side, when Jennie “The Germ” Judy entered the ring and attacked Zac from behind.
Knocking Zac on his back, Jennie applied a blatant chokehold to Martin. Now back on his feet Betancourt mauled Jennie, quickly applying the Betanplex. Just as he was preparing to throw her over the top, Zac attacked. The match continued back and forth until Brian “The Spike” Nash entered the ring.
Brian was a house of fire on Zac, and applied the “Nash Smash” powerbomb on Martin, and then tossed him over the side at 6:45. Just as Nash was gloating over his victory, Jennie ambushed him from behind, knocking him over the top rope at 6:56. Now with just Jennie and Betancourt the odds were even. The two fought back and forth, with no one particular combatant gaining the upper hand. By the time Jeff “The Mad Dog” Davis entered the ring, the two had wore themselves down.
Showing a keen sense of strategy, Jeff immediately went for Dave, who had been in the ring the longest. Jeff picked Betancourt up to apply his “PoetrySlam” finisher, but Jennie mauled him from behind, allowing Dave to slip into the corner to recover.
“Savage” Shannon Barbe entered the ring intent on ending Betancourt’s reign. However, Jeff attacked him first. Yet Shannon, twice as large as Jeff, picked him up and choke slammed him, then tossed him out of the ring at the 11:00. Shannon then signaled to the back and out came Tony “the Taskmaster” Ferreira, who brought a trashcan to ringside, which contained a wide variety of plundah. Shannon grabbed a wiffle-bat and opened up on Betancourt. Jennie climbed on the top turnbuckle, ready to apply her signature “Germ Warfare” top rope DDT. Yet Shannon turned around and caught her mid-air, tossing her over the rope at 11:45.
Dave “The Pastor of Disaster” Greek entered the ring next, he too hell-bent on getting Betancourt out. Greek hadn’t even got into the ring when Tony attacked him with a cookie sheet from behind. Dragging him out of the ring, Tony continued to plummet him with the sheet, and then proceeded to choke him with some common household cord. Tony then threw Greek into the ring for Shannon to officially throw out. Which is exactly what he did at 12:56.
Amanda “Sarge” Steele entered the ring next. Shannon charged towards her, intending to clothesline her and knock her out of the ring. Just as he was about to connect, Amanda dodged him and Shannon fell over the top rope at 14:28. Betancourt was beginning to show his fatigue, as he was unable to escape the Figure Four leg lock she applied to him. Despite the excruciating pain, Betancourt refused to tap out. Only when Nicole “Rowdy” Ridgeway entered did Amanda finally break the hold. The two quickly put aside their differences and worked on eliminating Betancourt.
The audience was then shocked to see Commissioner Thomason come to ringside. Grabbing a mike, she informed everybody that Nicole was not eligible to participate in the Battle Royale, and was only there due to an editorial snafu. Nicole exited the ring gracefully, but attacked Thomason on the runway and pile drived her. Now with only Amanda and Betancourt left, and a minute to go before the next combatant entered, the two went at it tooth and nail, each desperate to eliminate the other before the next participant came out.
Shaun “The Hulk” Corley , the current IC champ, arrogantly strutted to ringside, accompanied by his entourage of Jack Vasvary, Courtney Ingham, Jeff Pollard and Traci Vanderpool aka the “Corleyamaniacs.” With his reputation as the most wanted man in the Whim Wrestling Federation, Betancourt and Amanda quickly went to work on him, but was no match for his posse. Courtney nailed Amanda with a bag of green peppers and tossed her over the rope at 18:45. The rest of the Corleyamaniacs went to work on Betancourt, but he fought bravely, and managed to Betanplex Pollard. Grant “Blitzkrieg” Simmons entered the ring next, accompanied by his manager Steve “The Sizzler” Turner. Courtney immediately went after Simmons, but he was prepared for her vegetarian onslaught. Flipping her over the top rope, he stood back, spread his arms and let loose his trademark maniacal laugh. Grant went to work on the rest of the Corleyamaniacs, disposing of Vanderpool, yet was greeted by a crutch in the face from Vasvary. Knocked on his back, Turner charged Vasvary, but Corley grabbed him and applied his “Shellshock” cobra clutch DDT and threw him out of the ring.
Corley set Betancourt up for the Shellshock, but intervention from Jenn Jagermeister, the last official combatant, who walloped Corley with her trademark mini-keg. By this point Grant had recovered, and the match degenerated into an old-fashioned pier 6 brawl. The match went back and forth, and then at the 30:00 Grant slipped between the ropes and headed for the back stage area. He passed by Susan Bates, who was en route to the ring with a bag of sugar. Entering the ring, she threw the sugar into Jenn’s face and tried to throw her out of the ring, but Betancourt nailed her with the Betanplex. Just as he was about to throw her out of the ring, Jack nailed Jenn from behind with his crutch. Jason Blankenship entered the fray next, hell-bent on revenge on Corley for humiliating him at the Whimmcade back in December. Yet the remaining Corleyamaniacs were ready for Blankenship. Greeted with a crutch to the face by Vasvary, Corley put Blankenship up in the Shellshock.
Kimber Meletzke, James Andrews, Brian Korte and Kathleen Monahan entered the fray at the 43:22 mark and the royale had degenerated into total anarchy. Simmons returned to the ring carrying a big wooden stick and laughing maniacally to himself. Entering the ring, he wacked Betancourt, knocking him out cold, and throwing him over the top at 44:58. Simmons did likewise to Blankenship, Andrews, Korte and Jenn eliminating them around 46:34. Jack drew his crutch back to nail Simmons, but Simmons was quicker and Jack received a stick to the face and elimination for his troubles.
Grant made quick work of Meletzke, eliminating her at 47:39 and thwacked Monahan in the back, and tossed her out of the ring at 48:23. Now only Corley and Simmons remained. The two fought back and forth, with Corley eventually gaining up the upper hand. He turned to the crowd and signaled for the Shellshock, but as he did, Simmons grabbed the stick and rapped Corley in the jaw. Simmons threw him out of the ring at 52:45 and was declared the winner.
However, “The Goat Man” Tim Evans came back down to ringside and challenged Simmons with yet another arm-wrestling match. Since Thomason was out cold, Assistant Commissioner Kristen Jones came down to ringside and ordered the arm wrestling match to take place. Simmons quickly responded with a crack to the jaw, hurdling Tim into the stands. With all of his foes vanquished, Jones entered the ring and declared Simmons winner of The Fourth Annual Whim Battle Royale. After presenting him with his trophy, Simmons wacked her with the stick and climbed to the top turnbuckle. With his trademark maniacal glee in his eyes, Simmons shouted: “BITCH….BE….COOL!”
WINNER: Grant “Blitzkreig” Simmons
Name: Jenn Name: Dr. Steve Dawg Name: Blitzkrieg!! Name: Dr. Steve Dawg Name: Jenn Jägermeister Name: Stinkape Name: World Champ Blitzkreig!! Name: Dusty Rhodes Name: Spider Monkey
Name: Grant
Comments:
*regenerates his head slowly*
Anybody gotta band-aid? How bout some cottage cheese? Ointment?
Comments:
Steve, Steve, Steve...*thwack* How many times *thwack* do we have to tell you *thwack* that NOTHING *thwack* beats the Bitch *thwack* Be *thwack* Cool *thwack* Stick? *thwack* You were Grant's manager so you should know it's powers. *thwack* Silly Dawg *thwack*
Comments:
Well you can't hit super steve if you are already dead, but since you came back from the grave to hit me..heres where the story goes... I said forget your little stick and I then decapitated grant with the green destiny a razor sharp sword from an ancient Chinese dynesty. Oh and now you dead for real bitch. This is Bitch Hamlet reporting thats all folks.
Comments:
*borrows the stick for one last thwack*
Steve... *TWACK!! Steve goes flying... hands back to Jenn*
*sigh* Thank you.
Comments:
And now the ending... Steve kills everyone. I ate them.
Comments:
The stick has been handed down. I will come back next year and whoop all ya'lls asses! This includes monkeys and apes. Feel the wrath of the BITCH-BE-COOL stick!
Comments:
You might not think I need special moves but wait until you meet my dreaded Baboon Anal Gas Bomb Maneuver. Remember the Alamo? That was all me brotha.......
Year: Senior!!
Major: English!!
Comments:
Who needs special moves when you've got de "bitch-be-cool" stick?? *whack* Come get some. I'm carnivore... I'll make Monkey Tar-tar!!
Comments:
Well, lemme tell it lahk it is! Ole' Grant Simmons, he wasa house a fah in that ring. He was takin' the bitch be coo sticky and wackin' em in the belly welly! He really a lived up to his monikha of "blitzakrieg." Anutha fine pro formance here on the muthaship.
Comments:
Hey next year can I fight all you monkeys in a gaunlet, steel cage, barbed wire, ring-on-fire, ladder, table, chair, no DQ, special referee Michael Jackson, suspended 50ft in the air, evening gown match? I will kick all your pansy asses! After destroying you all in the match I shall take over Whim and call it "Porn". Can you SMEEELLLLLLLL what Spider Monkey smells like????!!!