In response to the large amount of speeding on Interstate 81, Governor Jim Gilmore, with the enthusiastic backing of the State Legislature and late model Ford LTD drivers everywhere, has forced the Virginia Department of Transportation to create Get-Out-And-Push zones. State officials feel this will reduce road rage and will minimize accidents while lowering the risk of heart disease and the rate of obesity in the state.

“I think it’s a damn fine idea,” said Gilmore while burning cash set aside for an undisclosed university in Radford. “This way those troubled, pizza-faced teenagers won’t be zipping around in their souped-up Honda Civics, giving what they call ‘the finger’ to the hard-working, white-collar citizens of this state. Goddamn."

These Get-Out-And-Push zones will be placed near high-traffic areas and at major junctions. Drivers will have to come to a complete stop, gear their vehicles to neutral, turn their engines off, and push. When leaving said zones, drivers must push their cars as diligently as possible, then rush to the driver door, get back in, restart the engine and return to the regular speed limit. As of yet there is no specific procedure for vehicles that have no passengers aside from the driver, as someone is needed to steer the car down the interstate and avoid colliding with the houses that have been placed directly beside the road to make homeowners appear affluent. To this issue, Gilmore replied, “Well, just don’t drive! I got enough on my hands already to have to hire out some blue-collar nobodies to steer people’s cars for them! Goddamn! "

Gilmore did suggest, however, the possibility of “steering licenses” issued to people who, after passing written, oral, anal, and cranial exams, have the ability to steer cars. Gilmore did not comment as to whether “pushing licenses” will be issued as well.

Such zones are rumored to create many jobs for the state, as Gilmore maintains that the economy must take number one priority at all times. In each Get-Out- And-Push zone a Rest Area will be placed every mile, with vending machines dispensing high-carbohydrate snacks to pushers. These rest areas will also feature oxygen tanks and paramedics. However, Gilmore stated, drivers waive their right to life insurance benefits should they die while pushing their vehicles. “You chose to drive, therefore, you chose to push. Just like suicide if you ask me. Goddamn," Gilmore said.

The Get-Out-And-Push zones promise to be very strict in their law enforcement. “We want push and shove at all times, slap ma fro,” said Virginia State Police Superintendent Herr Reverend Doctor Professor Senior Sir Saint Monsieur Colonel W. Gerald Massengill Joe Johnson, Jr. State Troopers will patrol on Razor scooters, watching out for pushers who may try to illegally supplement their pushing with rubber bands or small dynamite charges. Pushers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law for stopping to rest on the side of the road, smoking while pushing, passing other pushers, or talking on cellular phones while pushing. Pushers are not allowed to affix bumper stickers such as “My Other Pusher Is A Car” to their buttocks. Pushers are not allowed to install stereo equipment via biomechanical implants. “A quiet, orderly pusher is a happy pusher, slap ma fro,” said Massengill.

Local medical experts agree that most pushers are of equal physical strength, and most cars will travel at the same speed. Road rage, therefore, will be at a minimum. Even at that, Massengill stated that swearing and finger-extending are punishable offenses. The Surgeon General applauded this measure as it will lower obesity in the state and will give the heart a good work out.

There is no indication of whether these zones will be placed in the area where the S.T.U.P.I.D. road is being constructed in Montgomery County.

Comments:
ME: I had an anal exam once. Something came out of that hole thing and knocked the doctor out!

You: Rectum?

Me:Rectum!, damned near killed 'em!