“The previous school shooting in San Diego, was, to borrow an old term, the straw that broke the camel’s back,” remarked Dr. Kurt Smith. For the past six months, Dr. Smith and his associates have been at work on a project identified in government documents as Project: Focusin. The subject of much scrutiny and inquiry by citizens groups, the main thrust of Project: Focusin was finally made public in a press conference this past Friday.

“In the next few months, we will begin adding a Ritalin supplement to the water supply of certain communities. We feel that this will curb the plague of violence and unrest that is troubling our nation’s schools and communities,” Smith proudly announced on the White House lawn Friday. Attending the conference was President George W. Bush, Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore and a host of others.

“The Ritalinization of our youth will go a long way to stopping the violentization occurring in our public schools. With the retroactivity levels in our communities escalatizing, Project: Focusin is a godsend,” remarked the President. “To be completely honest with you,” he chuckled, “I hadn’t heard of Ritalin or ADD until a few weeks ago.”

“From what I’ve read, Project: Focusin is just what America needs right now. I’m so impressed with it that I’ve decided to slash Virginia’s universities budgets another forty percent to help develop a system allowing me to pump a gaseous form of it in to the Virginia Senate. That way, they’ll finally see that my 70% car tax cut is great,” gushed Governor Gilmore.

“All of those Ritalin-aided children, mindlessly reciting the Pledge of Allegiance every morning,” Gilmore continued, “why the thought of it makes me a very happy man. Goddamn.”

Dr. Harriet Wagner, another scientist assigned to Project: Focusin stated: “Whenever it comes time to place the blame for the current epidemic of violence sweeping our nation, many sectors take the blame: the media, parents, society, schools, and for the most part they’re right. But who wants to take time to correct all that? Project: Focusin will cure the problem in half the time. It works out for everyone.”

When asked what communities would be involved in the rollout of Project: Focusin, Smith said: “any community where there has been an incident of school violence will participate in the first wave.” Smith failed to mention specific names, but a general consensus believes that Columbine will be amongst the first to partake in Project: Focusin. San Diego, which itself hosted a school shooting in previous weeks, is also high on the list.

Public reaction to Project: Focusin has been surprisingly positive.

“Conformity on a scale not seen since the 1950’s. God bless America,” chimed one supporter. “Once we get uniforms and prayer in our schools we’ll be all set,” he concluded.

“Somewhere up in heaven, I’m sure George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin are looking down upon Dr. Smith and Project: Focusin and smiling. It will restore our country to the solid moral foundation upon which it was founded,” said Jerry Fallwell, who also attended the conference. “I’m sure Jesus would approve,” he commented.

When asked to respond to criticism of the program by human rights groups, Smith remarked “Who said we were going to stop with schools?”

Name: Shaun
Year: Soon-to-be-Grad
Major: English
Comments:
I'm glad most people saw this article for what it was really was-satire. No one took anything personal. I'm pleased.

Comments:
Well done, Shaun. Very funny!