It's Christmas, you're home for the holidays and that special meal is laid out on a perfect white tablecloth in front of you. You've got the mashed potatoes, green-beans, cranberry sauce, hot rolls, salad, sweet potatoes, and for dessert: hot apple pie. Yeah, they went all out this year! But wait, what's that you say? Me, forget the turkey? Ham? Of course I did!

That's right folks, I'm a vegetarian (a.k.a. contentious), and I've got a gripe. You wanna know what's worse than being a manic-depressive around the holidays? Well, I'll tell you: being a vegetarian. The good thing is I'm more than halfway through my trauma, having survived Thanksgiving (i.e. Turkey Day). Now we've got Christmas coming, and I'm getting frightened . . .There's nothing like having to analyze the contents of every dish for dead animal remnants. It is especially difficult when certain carnivorous relatives see it fitting to allow their ignorance to shine through as they challenge your ethical decisions. The following is an example of some scenarios that I've dealt with in the past:

Annoying Relative: So, I understand why you don't eat turkey now. . .But what about FISH?

Me: DOOT!

Annoying Relative 2: Oh, you can eat that, hun. It's only got a little ham in there and you can pick out the sausage.

Me: DOOT! DOOT!

Annoying Relative 3: That's right, all that's in there's a can of cream of chicken soup. You can't taste the chicken though, so it's okay.

Me: DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!

Annoying Relative 4: That turkey's good for ya! You probably don't get enough protein anyway. Go ahead, try some. (Shoves animal corpse in my face.)

Me: DOOOOOOT! (Passes out cold.)

So you see, it isn't easy having a conscience around the holidays. (Whoops, did I say that?) Anyway, there are many misconceptions about vegetarianism and something about the holidays seems to really bring them out. For instance, sorry Lumber-Jack Bob, but meat isn't what makes a meal a meal. You can have plenty of filling, delicious meals without corroding you stomach with a mealy pound of beef, or other such innocent animal that was brutally slaughtered just for your consumption. Trust me, you'd probably be better off without it anyway. Do it for your heart or at least for some peace of mind. And, if that doesn't do it for you, do it for your pocketbook, since meat consumption costs Americans over $100 billion per year in health costs taking in the incidence of heart disease, strokes, cancer, and E. coli treatments.

Don't feel sorry for me either. I'm not starving just because I haven't swallowed down a once happy, frolicking deer. I don't crave meat and I'm not sickly because I don't take part in the barbarian act of eating it. In fact, I'm a lot healthier since I refuse to pollute my system with harmful chemicals and fats found in most meat-centered diets. By the way, it isn't protein that I'm lacking, it's most likely B12, something I can replenish my system with by taking a daily multi-vitamin, a habit many of us could benefit from. Most Americans get too much protein as it is, and this, my dear hunter-gatherers, is very bad for your kidneys.

The point of this vent really wasn't to try to talk anyone into becoming a vegetarian. I pride our ability to make our own decisions and lead our lives how we want to lead them. My objective was simply to explain that vegetarians have obviously placed a lot of thought into their decisions to restrain from eating meat, and, therefore, one should think about this before challenging them. Vegetarianism is like a religious decision, and, just as you wouldn't ask a Christian to sacrifice a goat to Satan (hopefully), you should also understand that we vegetarians are not interested in partaking in the meat option for important reasons as well. It is a matter of respect, you see?