I know when they call my roommate or me. There is silence when I first say "hello?" I can almost hear the materialistic chatter of underpaid home invaders in the background. Then I hear it.

"Is Jeff-er-ree Day-viss home?" I cringe, and my feet dig into my carpet. Golly gee, who could it be? Before I was quick enough to know how to handle these pathetic people, I was just polite to them. "Yes," I sigh.

Then the tone of voice completely changes. Rod Roddy ensues, "Hi, Mr. Davis, how are you today?"

"I'm fi-"

"Well, let me tell you Mr. Davis I have an exciting offer for you today! MasterCard is offering you a no-annual-fee student credit card, with an exciting interest rate [probably 34.99%] and an incredible credit line [give or take $500]. Now if I can just get you to answer some quick questions [why the heck do you have a Visa? Can I see a picture of you in a zebra suit?] we will be happy to send you your no-annual fee student credit card as soon as possible!"

Click. You know, there just had to be a better way to deal with these wackos. I came up with some solutions, some I have heard around, and others I merely made up myself:

1) When the salesperson starts the pitch, scream "OH MY GOD!" at the top of your lungs and hang up.

2) If the salesperson is someone of the opposite sex, mumble "mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm" after each line of junk he/she is expelling, and then ask him/her to marry you. During the ensuing silence, tell the salesperson, "I would never give my credit card number to a complete stranger."

3) Mutter phrases that can be heard at the family dinner table. "Pass the salt, please, Mom?" "How was your day, honey?" "This asparagus tastes like tires." The salesperson will be overwhelmed with guilt and if you are lucky might just hang up.

4) Ask if you can call them back. None of these companies allow this, so ask the salesperson if you can call him/her back at his/her personal residence. This one will go over very well and may cause the salesperson to question his/her purpose in life.

5) Give them your own sales pitch. Pretend that they dialed the wrong number. Be creative because "Mike's Pizza, this is Mike" just isn't funny anymore. Something like, "Thank you for calling Elroy's Corner Produce store located on the corner of Four Wheel Drive and Mediterranean Avenue. Today's specials: Seasick grapes from Chile, don't worry about the flies, we won't weigh them, and this week and this week only save on peach pits, see our boy in the back. Now, are you from the Health Department, because they have been hounding me about that…er…ee kol-eye stuff."

6) If they are AT&T or someone like that and are trying to get you to change your long-distance service, ask them if you can have your own personal 900 number.

Name: ur little sista
Year: junior
Major: crackhead
Comments:
try using Qballs poolhall, Q ball speaking and make a lot of noise in the background

Name: ANTIPOP
Comments:
Hey S. Cloud, that return addy thing doesn't work for bulk mail.

Name: jeff (the author)
Comments:
Aw, come on, man. It only takes a few minutes!!! :):):)

Name: Kimber's Fan Club
Comments:
Kimber - AWESOME phone!! You ought to sell the design to AT&T or someone. One problem with Jeff's idea is that even though it's a lot of fun, if you take the time to answer and mess with the solicitors, you don't have time for anything else in your life. It may not be possible on campus, but get off campus with a caller ID box and see how many "out-of-area" calls you get that hangup after 3 rings.

Name: jeff (the author)
Major: aw, shucks
Comments:
Hey, thanks for all the comments guys! Go to my own personal web page for some more of my writings. It's not the greatest site in the world, but it's not too shabby either.

Comments:
your article is funny as shit! :)

Name: Tom Selvey
Comments:
YOu can always ask them really dumb questions (for those who say there are no dumb questions...bull I can think of at least 700,000). Ask them if the card will clean you house, can it undo a bra is less than 20 seconds, is it super-absorbant, things like that. Be completely serious and see what kind of reation you get. Or my favorite, pretend like your yelling to some else in the room and say things like, "Theo get your tongue out of the toaster and help your sister with her fake leg, she got the cat caught on the end of it!" Crazy...

Name: Brian Korte (core-tea)
Comments:
Nice one SnotPhan. I like screaming at them! :) Or telling them that I'm dead. Anyone who can't pronounce my last name is not important to me anyhow. Screw 'em all! :) That's what I say!

Name: SnotPhan
Comments:
the next time a telemarketer calls me, i'm going to keep saying "i'm sorry i can't hear you, could you please speak up?" untill they are yelling at the top of their lungs...

Name: S. Cloud
Year: Senior
Major: Social Science
Comments:
Also, if you hate junk mail like I do, do this: whenever you recieve ANY piece of mail that you don't want, don't throw it away. Write "return to sender" on it and put it right back in the mail. When folks send out junk mail, they get special rates because of the bulk. So, it only costs them around say 20 cents to send it to you. However, when you write "return to sender", the post office sends it back to them full postage due. In other words, not only do they pay the 20 cents to mail it but the 32 or however many cents it costs to mail it back. Do this enough times and your name generally starts getting taken off mailing lists.

Name: Kim
Year: senior
Major: German and History
Comments:
You could also tell the person calling that you are not interested and if they would remove your name from their list. They are by law obligated to do as you wish. I used to hang up on the telemarketers, but after I learned about that I've started doing it. The telemarketing calls to my house have gone down tremendously since last semester when I started asking them to remove my name. It only takes a few seconds to say, but it's worth a lifetime of relief!