Christina Aguilera may seem like that girl next door who used to dance around in leather pants and Mickey Mouse ears, but a closer examination of the teenage star's life reveals that "what a girl wants" is SMACK.  That's right, our little Mousekateer turned genie in a bottle chases the dragon like no one since the Knights of the Round Table.  I guess it kind of makes sense, though; who could be that perky all the time without use of narcotics?  When this reporter launched questions at Ms. Aguilera concerning mysterious syringes found in her garbage can, the star said, "Those are just Mom's turkey basters-she has really small hands."  Sure, Christina.

  Aguilera isn't the only diva in a diaper living on the edge; Britney "You Drive Me Crazy" Spears has been driving the men crazy for some time now with her appearances in several notable films that cannot be found in the "new release" section at Blockbuster, if you know what I mean.  When confronted about her appearances in such films as Britney Does Bangladesh and Britney, Tamer of Spears, the young star echoed the lyrics of one of her biggest hits: sometimes, she really does run, and sometimes, she really does hide.

  What about those good ole, milk-drinking boys of N'SYNC fame?  Well, most of them are boys anyway.  Let's just say that Hillary Swank isn't the only one worthy of an Oscar for playing the part of a woman masquerading as a man.  An anonymous source has revealed to Whim that a certain member of the boy-band sensation is packing a lighter load below the belt than his group mates.  Enough said?  I thought so.

  At least, all the members of N'SYNC are eligible for the title of "Teen Idol."  The same cannot be said for their leading competition, the Backstreet Boys.  Kevin Richardson, the member of the group who looks forty, really is forty, and has spawned more offspring than the parents from Seventh Heaven.  I guess that explains Kevin's recent appearance on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine without pants. Child support can be a real pain on the backstreet, huh, Kevin?

  There you have it, the truth on the teen idols of today and the Donnie Wahlbergs of tomorrow.  Just remember, wherever truth is obscured by the smog of lies and deceit, Whim will be there to clear the air, assuming it doesn't take too much effort to do so (or at least that we can make up the majority of our "facts" and "quotes," which is exactly what I did throughout this entire article).