Alternative Peripherals

by CHRIS HOLLOMON

The External USB Cup and Bottle Holder/Opener
by Radtech Systems iRT. Inc

This common internal favorite has found a new use in the USB market. With a faster open/close option and external headphone jack, it has all the convinces of the popular internal model.

As with all USB devices, you can daisy chain other extensions that this company offers such as the add on digi-dispenser module, or shiny coaster dispenser

USB K.A.T. '99
by DoGGsoft Developers

This cut little device by DggD is a great add on to any home or office. Plug in the simple device to a daisy chain mouse or keyboard and let the K.A.T go to work. It efficiently pounces on and chews your mouse up. It will make you work much faster due to increasing mouse movement. More work will get done while trying to integrate voice commands like "Keep away" and "not my finger again." It's specially designed diagnostic tools will prevent you from every worrying whether your companion mouse has failed. Just run the software, and if the mouse survives the hour and a half showdown with K.A.T., you can be sure you won't have to replace it in the near future.

Flab Guard 2000
by Sentry Technologies

This device has new connectivity add-ons that that make the old device work like never before. The Flab Guard stops overweight button pushing in it's tracks. I use Flab Guard Classic to keep unwanted body fat from pushing buttons I'm not using. The New 2000 model actually stops flab and manipulates it digitally into ones and zeros so it can be transferred over data lines!

Other features include the Slap o' Flab Gut Puncher and Buncher which smacks fat around until it is something useful. Another nice feature is the Flab Guard 2000's unique "fat input technology" which allows the flab guard to act more efficiently with obese, slightly overweight, extra chunky, original recipe, and friggin' huge sizes. Look for the @$$ guard 1.0 upgrade next spring.

E-Mail Massage
by Jacmehoff Innovations

This product adds a new dimension to online massage therapy. It comes in three models including concave, convex, and special edition elongated convex. This new utility integrates with WebPages to add to the experience of surfing the web. Special websites with Massage enabled browsers allow the user to read or experience web content suited for the massager. Endorsed by Massagers International, this will be the first computer add-on that will be sold commercially in drug stores, fetish shops, Spencer's, and Bath & Body Works. The massager allows for different speeds that are set by the web content but can be modified to your liking. Jacmehoff Innovations hopes to have daisy chain devices out within the next year including a inflatable person so you can feel like you really in the massage parlor.

The MO'dumb
from Idoiocracy Inc.

The MO'dumb is the first stand alone wireless modem. After studying market research, it was found that, 50% of people can't setup up their own computers. "The market is flooded with morons from all walks of life," CEO and Chairperson Chris Gray said in an interview. "We're just the first to exploit them."

The beauty of the product is that it has no user interface or cable. We took out all the hard parts that people have trouble with. Even the ON button is automatic. After opening the box, the MO'dumb immediately makes all the noises that a regular modem would make. By the way, they also cut out the middle man with this product... namely the ISP provider. Don't worry, you wouldn't have seen the Internet anyway. The retail dollar amount will be around $4-500 in the first quarter, but we expect it will drop dramatically when market competition catches up.

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