Health Center Opens New Sperm Bank for Students

by AARON GRAY

Radford's Sperm Bank (known by Radford natives as the RSB) is the best place to spend any afternoon. A friendly staff and delightful waiting room is waiting for you below Moffett Hall, where the Health Center is located.

"I think everyone will forget about the Health Center and the Sperm Bank will take over," says Dr. Rudolf Wovenhammer, head physician at the Sperm Bank, I've experienced the Bank several times already and let me tell ya, I've become acquainted with an old-time hobby of mine."

After Dr. Wovenhammer told me more than I needed to know, he persuaded me to take a visit there to see for myself. Here is what happened when I decided to visit the RSB:

The day started as they always do. I got up and got dressed. I headed over to Dalton to take in some fine breakfast cuisine. My anticipation of visiting the bank was so high that I couldn't eat or even keep a straight thought.

After receiving my free T-shirt at the RSB Visitor's Center, I left Dalton and proceeded to enter the elaborate RSB complex. I passed two armed guards at the front door who stopped me and demanded the password.

"I don't know the password sir," I muttered as one of the guards tightened his grip on my pelvis.

"Then make one up!" barked the other guard.

"Let me in the Sperm Bank!" I yelled as the pain to my pelvis was sharpened.

The guards then let me go and opened the door for me. "Have a nice day sir," the guard said with a wink, and handed me a complimentary T-shirt.

I met up with Dr. Wovenhammer as I entered the lobby of the center. He raised his hand to shake mine but I declined and gave him an innocent wave. I was asked which cup I preferred, the small 4-ounce, the medium liter, or the colossal gallon jug. I couldn't decide, so they threw the gallon at me.

My friendly trainee nurse Olga told me I had to fill the jug within the next hour. Then I was offered various props that made my visit more enjoyable. First, I was given numerous nudie magazines and videos. After that, they threw a blow-up doll at me that resembled Brad Pitt.

Then Olga said, "Third door on the right, Sugar," gave me a swift kick in the ass and I was on my way.

That is when I started to develop the love I now have for the RSB. As I strolled down the hall in a leisurely manner, I heard many noises coming from other rooms. Room 4C sounded like a young child was getting spanked. As I passed 2B, I heard a Drill Sergeant screaming orders at a student who was reciting the rules to Yatzee, the board game. And I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I heard an elephant dancing in the room next to me.

When I entered my room, I looked around. There wasn't much; just a comfortable chair, a TV, and a sewing machine. I sat down and ...uh... that's all I have to say about that. I opened the door 4 minutes and 23 seconds later. I was told my face was red and I had a long grin that stretched from ear to ear.

"Hey buddy, how was it?" asked a rather obese man who was walking down the hall. Since I momentarily lost my ability to speak, I answered him with a gentle thumbs up.

"Yeah, I reckon I've been here every day this week," said the Radford native as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the stained 'wife-beater' he was wearing.

As I gave him a puzzled look he continued to preach. "Yup! I finished this here 5-gallon dispenser and I'm ready to cash in. Woohoo!"

I just stood there as my chin hit my chest. The mysterious man turned and walked down the hall, whistling with his pants hanging down near his ankles. It was one of the most horrific scenes I've ever encountered. As I walked to the front desk in my traumatized state, I saw Olga again.

"All done, Mr. Gray?" she asked.

I just nodded and gave her my accomplishments. Then she gave me what I was worth, 69 cents.

"Hey buddy, you need to practice. Then you'll be able to hang with the big boys."

"So how was your visit?" asked Dr. Wovenhammer.

I gave him an admirable nod as I limped towards the door. One of the guards gave me a pat on the butt as I tried to get back home in one piece.

My debut at the RSB was an unusual but entertaining one. If you would like to visit the Radford Sperm Bank, you have to call in advance. Appointments are hard to get due to the popularity of the establishment, but give it a try. So next time you feel like earning some chump change or you feel like hazing a lil' brother...or sister even, bring them on down to the RSB. Tell Olga that Aaron sent ya'.

Dr. Wovenhammer will be happy to assist you in any way possible. Just decline when he asks to join you in the back room. So have fun, be young, and I'll see YOU at the RSB.

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Comments:

Comments:
omigod you're kidding. RIGHT?!

Name: justin chaney
Major: business
Comments:
whoa!

Comments:
Um...OKay?

Name: Kimberly Yates
Major: biology
Comments:
This was a very entertaining and creative article. I can tell it was a joke because it was soo damn funny.

Name: Name
Comments:
This is a joke RIght??

Name: Phillipe Ernestine
Comments:
I got your egg bank right here! Come on up to the third floor of Pocahontas!! Woo hoo! :)~ LOL

Name: PAJA MUCHO
Comments:
What the hell did they do to your paper! What is up with 4:23, they are off by 3 min.

Comments:
I think most of women around here have enough estrogen to go around, thank you..

Name: K
Comments:
Cute. But..but, I feel offended now! Where's the REB?! There obviously needs to be an RU Egg Bank for all us poor college women! Wahoo! Aaron, dear, go undercover *wink* and find it for us. It obviously must be around-it's just hiding.