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Coming
Out
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Coming out is the term
used to describe the process of and the extent to which one identifies
oneself as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. There are two parts to this
process: coming out to oneself, and coming out to others. Coming out
to oneself is perhaps the first step toward a positive understanding of
one's orientation. It includes the realization that one is homosexual
or bisexual, and accepting that fact and deciding what to do about it.
Stages
1. Identity Confusion - The
individual sees him or herself as a member of the mainstream group.
2. Identity
Comparison - The individual begins to come out
of the "fog."
3.
Identity Tolerance - The individual encounters someone
or something that breaks through the denial system.
4. Identity Acceptance - The
individual begins to explore subculture activities, readings, etc...
5. Identity
Pride - The individual begins to feel an arrogance/pride in
the new identity and deep rage toward the majority culture. He or she
may adopt/heighten stereotypical behaviors or characteristics (i.e.
"I'm different and proud of it!"). He or she may isolate
themselves from mainstream activities
6. Identity Synthesis -
Acceptance and
integration of the new identity. The individual may go through the
five stages of grief to let go of the old identity and all advantages of
heterosexual privilege. The individual then internalizes the pride
over their new identity. Typically they are now out with family,
friends and coworkers, and they are more at peace with themselves.
Questions to
Consider
Before
Coming Out
Are you sure about your sexual
orientation?
·
Don't raise
the issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question
"Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your
parents' confusion and decrease their confidence in your conclusions.
Are you comfortable with your gay
sexuality?
·
If you're
wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll feel better off
waiting to tell your parents. Coming
out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a
reserve of positive self-image.
Do you have support?
·
In the event
that your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a
group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and
strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
Are you knowledgeable about your
homosexuality?
·
Your parents
will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from homophobic
society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll
be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.
What's the emotional climate at home?
·
If you have
the choice of when tot tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when
they're not dealing with such matters as death of a close friend, pending
surgery, or the loss of a job.
Can you be patient?
·
Your parents
will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered
it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two
years.
What's your motive for coming out now?
·
Hopefully, it
is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you
feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your
sexuality as a weapon.
Do you have available resources?
·
Homosexuality
is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at
least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the
local or national PFLAG, or the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal
fairly with the issue.
Are you financially dependent on your
parents?
·
If you
suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out
of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to
hold over you.
What is your general relationship with
your parents?
·
If you've
gotten along well and have always known their lover-- and shared your lover
for them in return-- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issues in
a positive way.
What is their moral societal view?
·
If they tend
to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may
anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your
sexuality. If, however, they've evidenced a degree of flexibility
when dealing with other changing social matters, you may be able to
anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.
Is this your decision?
·
Not everyone
should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if
you're not sure you'll be better off doing so-- no matter what their
response.
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